In this episode I share the second concept that is crucial to understand in order to stop fighting with your son.
I give an example from my own life and walk you through exactly HOW you can stop fighting with your son WITHOUT changing HIM or what he is doing.
This is a must listen if you are ready to get to Zero fights and feel so good about your boy, regardless of what he is doing.
If you need any help with doing this work i highly recommend getting coached on your thoughts about your son, you can do so by signing up for a free mini session HERE. talk soon!
FULL TRANSCRIPT BELOW
Hey guys, how’s it going? I am doing so well after I got a nine hour sleep. I feel great. We had a super busy weekend here. We had Canadian Thanksgiving and we had my in-laws visit it for a few days. And we also had a bunch of cousin time. Um, and the sister-in-law and brother brother-in-law came over for dinners every night, which was great. I like having lots of family around, but of course it was tiring. And we had a first kind of, couple of snowflakes, but we still went on a bike ride with mittens and hats and everything got hot chocolate. Uh, so it was great. We spent a lot of good time together. We had good food. We went to see a show. We went for a nice semi hike, like a walk hike, um, because we had a three year old with us cousin.
It was really good. I really enjoyed it. And I got tired and then I had a good sleep. And now I’m back, I’m back. And today we’re talking about part two of stop fighting with yourself series and the, the topic of part two is that your son can’t make you feel frustrated or mad or happy or miserable or worried or anything. Okay. So I’m gonna dive into it right away. So this is my message to you. Your son can’t make you feel anything at all, because what makes you feel anything in your body is what you’re thinking. Okay. So it’s all you in your brain. What you’re thinking will create how you feel about your son at all times, which is great. Great, great news, because then you don’t have to change your son to feel better and what you want to do. Always, you always want to feel better, even if you think, and we all have said that, I just want my, my son to be happy.
I just want my kids to be happy. Now, the reason why you want your son to be happy is because then you will finally allow yourself to relax and be happy about your son, right? But what will actually create that feeling of happiness for you is your thoughts, your thoughts, like, oh, he’s happy. He’s doing the right thing. I’m so happy for him. Uh, blah, blah, blah. Right? Whatever your thoughts are about your son, when he’s happy, are the thoughts that will make you feel happy. So, and I’m not, I’m not judging you for, for being like, this is kind of selfish, right? The only reason that we want someone, our son to be happy is so that we can feel happy and there’s nothing, nothing wrong with it. I really there’s no judgment at all. It’s just, I want you to be really clear about this is that it’s not just, you want them to be happy.
It’s just, you want them to be happy so that you can be, feel good so you can stop worrying. So you can start sleeping at night, right? So you can, you know, not feel scared for him, whatever it is, you’re going through the reason why you want him to be happy. So you can be happy. So you can feel so you can feel relief from your own thoughts and feelings. Okay? So I want you to really come clean about this. The reason why I want my son to be happy, or the reason why I want my son to stop doing this, or start doing that or do the right thing or get this job or whatever you want him to do is that you to feel what, please be honest with yourself about this, because that will really make it much easier for you to take care of your own happiness.
Okay? So if your son can’t make you feel anything and your thoughts are what is creating your feelings, then the question becomes, how do you feel better without changing your son? Because obviously you can’t change him because you’re, you know, if you’re listening to this podcast, you’ve probably tried all of the things to change, uh, to, to change him. Right? You’ve tried, you’ve told him a million times, you’ve asked him, you’ve pleaded, you’ve requested, you’ve threatened. You’ve done all the things. And my bet it did not work, right. It did not work. Or it didn’t work for long term solution, or he’s pretending that he’s doing it, but he’s really not. You know, it doesn’t matter. But the point is you not change your son. So now that we are clear about this, that you can’t change your son, you can’t get him to do something.
How do you feel better without changing him? And the answer to that is you manage your own thoughts about your son, right? And the, the answer is pretty simple. But when we get to look at our thoughts about our son, we have a, may have a lot of judgment about how he’s doing things, what he’s doing wrong, what he’s doing, right? And this is where coaching can come in really useful, because get to question all the blocks that we have that prevent us from feeling the love towards our son. So we can’t change him, but we have a lot of judgment about him that makes us feel bad, makes us feel bad. Right. Does it make him feel bad? It makes us not enjoy our son. Okay. So if you get coaching on your thoughts about your son, then you will have a chance to untangle all the blocks, like destroy them, question them, get rid of them so that you can and access the love.
That’s actually just there for your son. Okay. So I’m gonna give you an example from my own life, but this example is really in like kind of a template or can apply to any situation with any son of any age and any situation. Okay. So whatever it is, you know, insert in your situation, into my situation and, um, try to see how that word would work for you. Okay. But because my, I don’t have grown up kids yet. I, I’m not gonna pretend that I have, and I will. I’m not gonna give you an example of that, but I will give you an example of what I have experienced with fighting with my son. And how
While you listed,
Think about what thoughts
You have about your son and how they have
Son, um, one of sons, I have four. So one of them, I, there has been a, um, kind of, or like under spot for me is when he would get upset at his brothers. I get upset at him. I couldn’t, I, my thoughts are I cannot stand it when he they’re fighting. I cannot stand it when he’s losing his mind. Um, he shouldn’t be doing this. It’s all my fault because I haven’t taught him otherwise. Right. This is not helpful. And this is unacceptable the way he’s behaving. I can’t stand this. So these are just some of my thoughts. So when my son is upset at his brothers and he’s like fighting with them, I have these thoughts and these thoughts how create the feelings in my body and these feelings are frustrated, angry, impatient, off a bunch of those things, a bunch of variations of those things, right?
So when I feel frustrated and angry, how do I show up to my son who is upset? Well, of course with me being frustrated at him, I is my voice. I tell him to stop in an angry way. I maybe yell at him. I sent him to his room, but, and what I’m creating with these actions and these thoughts and these feelings, I am blaming my son for how I’m feeling. So I’m thinking, okay, it’s his fault that I’m frustrated. And because it’s his fault that I am frustrated, then the solution for me is to tell him to stop. It is to send him to his room, is to like threaten him, take taking away his iPad so that he stops. Because if I’m believing that he’s the source of my frustration, then I’m going to do anything in my power to manipulate him, to stop doing what he’s doing, because is the cause of my feelings, right?
This is my unintentional way of being when I am believing this, right. This is, I don’t want to be showing up in this way when I’m fighting with my son. Right. So do you see how, when I’m thinking that, uh, he shouldn’t be doing this, it’s all my full old it’s unacceptable. I can’t stand this. I feel feelings like frustration, anger that drive me to fight with my son. I show up in a way that I don’t want to be showing up in. I am fighting. I’m literally creating a fight from my thoughts, because the thoughts create the feeling and the feeling is always going to be the fuel for your actions. So the fuel for how you show up with your son. So that’s why it’s very important to distinguish, like, what am I feeling when I am with my son? And that will tell you if it’s going to have good fruit or not.
Right? So when I am thinking these thoughts and I’m blaming him for how I’m feeling, I am creating a fight with my son. That’s, that’s being created from my thoughts and my feelings. So this is my unintentional way of being my intentional model that I don’t want to be in. Okay. This is the fighting way. You know what I think creates how I feel and how I’m feeling frustrated will drive how I talk to my son, which is in a fighting way. And so if I, okay, so we’re not going to change, I can’t change how my son is reacting to his brothers. He’s still going to be upset at them, but I can change what I’m thinking about my son in that moment, or even before, or even after. Okay. So here’s how I would do it, how this is how I have done it.
And again, like whatever your son is doing is irrelevant because you can’t control it. So you put it into the top, kind of the top of the page, you put it into the block square, you, you know, circle it and you leave it there because you can’t change it. He’s going to be doing that or saying that or not doing something and you leave it there. But your then your thoughts about that square is something that you can choose, okay, whatever your son’s doing, put it in that square and leave it there for me. My it’s my son, you know, yelling at his brothers. So then I would, you know, then I would ask myself, how do I want to feel about my boy when he’s doing that? It’s a very key, key point when he’s doing this, that I don’t like, how do I want to feel about him?
Now? Love is always something that feels the best for us. That’s why I just think I love available to us when we are frustrated, right? When we are having thoughts that create a frustration. So there’s a few different options that you have. You can choose that you can choose to feel understanding. You can choose to feel compassion. You can choose to feel, um, prepared. You can choose to feel like caring, like all there’s different ways that you can approach this. And it will all depend on. Then you can play around with the thoughts. So you choose how you want to feel. So, so for me, I probably, for me, what works is I want to feel prepared and compassion. So then I tell myself then, okay, if I, if I want to feel compassion and prepared, then what do I have to think to feel compassion and prepared?
Okay. So I can then think I can handle this, which has me feeling prepared. And, or, and also I can think, I understand how frustrated he is, which I do because I get frustrated, right? I can really understand he, that he’s frustrated and it sucks, right? Them feel good. So I then now am prepared. I have these two thoughts, and this is before even this happens, next time this happens, I now have a plan. I’m going to think I can handle this. And I’m going to think, I understand how fresh, straight he is. And I know that when I think these thoughts, I will feel com compassion and preparedness, which is a lot more useful to me than anger and frustration. So let’s look what happens if I’m thinking these thoughts and I’m feeling prepared and compassion, then how am I going to show up to my son in the moment when he’s upset, I am a lot more likely to be patient, to listen to what they’re saying, the kids and him. I am a lot more likely to be in control of myself, not yell and not lose my mind. I’m a lot. I’m going to be calm. I’m I might comfort my boy. Who’s upset. I might redirect, uh, the, his attention or someone else’s attention. I am a lot more useful to my son and all the other boys. If I am prepared and compassionate, and I’m not causing a fight
With my son who is upset, because I chose to think these thoughts. Do you see how, when my son’s still upset, but by changing my thoughts about him, I can control how I show up to him. And I completely avoid the fight with my son.
Is how you had to stop fighting with your son. It doesn’t matter what age they are. It doesn’t matter what they’re doing. It doesn’t matter what they’re not doing. You always have control
What you are thinking about your son control about your, towards your son and your feeling good or understanding
Or compassionate or something useful about your son. Then you will show up to your son in a way that is more, uh, is, feels better to you, or is less of a fight, right? You, you can be in control and show up in a way that’s not a fight to your son. Do you see that? I really hope this is, um, going to change your whole relationship with your son, just like it has for me. So, so when you, when you are feeling compassionate and prepared or me, right, then you are patient. You listen, you comfort him. You are in control, you’re loving. Then the result in your life from thinking these thoughts and feeling these feelings is that you have less fights with your son
And you are
In indeed. In fact, doing the opposite. You are connecting with him over this, um, instance over him being upset. You are connecting with him and you are creating a more peaceful, loving relationship with him instead of fighting with him. And all of that is because you are choosing to think something useful about your son, cuz you can’t, you’re not changing what he’s doing. You’re simply are swapping out the store that you’re telling yourself about him to a more useful story. And I cannot say this enough, if you need any help, um, looking at what your thoughts about your son or if you’re stuck and you cannot change your thoughts about your son. And if you think that the facts are, are, these are the facts and you can’t change anything, think anything different about them. I strongly encourage you to just book your free session with me and come talk to me about that because the coaching is extremely useful in the situation because it helps you wiggle the thoughts.
It helps you, um, down these blocks and access. The love that you have for him. I highly, highly, highly recommend you just book a session with me or any other coach and, and look at your thoughts about your son and this will shift and start. You will start moving in the direction of love towards your son. And, uh, you will kind of take back the control over the fights that you are having with your son. Um, this is such a, this is work worth doing if you are, um, fighting with your son. And I know it’s very important to you to, to have, have a great relationship with your son to, to feel the love for him to, um, to not break break your relationship. Really this is the work worth doing is to look at your own thoughts. And if you want to do this on your own, you can simply write down all of your thoughts about your son and, and then look at what they’re creating for you.
Are they creating connection or are they creating fighting? And you will. And if you see what they’re creating for you, you can then, um, evaluate are these thoughts useful. And if they are, you can keep on thinking them. And if they’re not useful, then you can either decide not to think them or believe them. Or you can do the thought work. If you can do that, then you can, um, get some coaching so that you can break them down a bit and stop believing them. Um, so this wraps up my example of my own fighting with my son, one of my sons and I really, this example is just like any example with any other situation in any other, um, mother, son relationship. The only caveat I want to, uh, point out is, uh, about boundaries. So, and I will do a separate episode on that. Um, so if your son is speaking to you disrespectfully, or if you, your thought is he’s speaking to me disrespectfully, then you can set boundaries.
You can still feel love towards your son and still, um, respect your own, uh, space and demand that you be treated in a certain way. Okay. I’ll just do a separate episode on that and talk about that in a different one, because it doesn’t mean, you know, loving your son, no matter what he does is not mean that you need to be putting up with everything that he’s doing and saying to you, that is definitely not what I’m saying. And I encourage you to, um, to set boundaries, which I will do separate episode on that, um, about what is okay for you and what is not okay, but love and compassionate understanding is always available for you to feel towards your son. No matter what he’s doing, even if you guys are not speaking to each other, you can still choose to think thoughts that create good feelings for you towards your son.
Uh, let me look at my notes. Uh, um, that is all I have for you today. So the takeaway point is your son can’t ever make you frustrated, mad, happy, miserable, worried anything, because he’s not that powerful, powerful. He cannot jump into your body and think thoughts for you and create feelings for you. You, he has zero control over that be. And the person who has full control over that is you because you are the one thinking thoughts in your head and creating feelings for you at all times. So stop blaming him for how you feel. Find the thought that’s responsive, both for that feeling and take care of yourself by choosing a better feeling thought. And if you need help with that, I am so happy. I will be my honor to help you with that. You can book your free session. You can just go to my website at www dot coaching, natalia.com him and go to the book of free mini session.
And I’ll be happy to help you with your thoughts about your son. You never have to have a fight with your son ever again. Zero fights is available to you today, and I am looking forward to hearing all the success stories and love your boys. Your boy is so good. He’s such a good boy. Even if he’s 40, he’s a good boy. All our boys are super duper good. We just sometimes forget. And if we forget, we can always remember. Now that is you can go from zero fights to he’s a good boy and feel all the love for him. Now in the next episode, I will, um, will be part three. I will talk about all the different examples of how we can block our love for a boy and, um, different examples of how we can access that love. All right. And the fourth part, I will add the boundaries, how you can set boundaries for yourself while still loving your son and without changing what he’s doing. All right, we’ll have a great day, guys. I love y’all a.