Stop fighting with your son, Part 1: what IS a relationship

In this episode I share the one concept that will transform all your relationships and give you a way to change your relationship with your son if you choose to.

I also suggest the 1st step you must take in order to stop fighting with your son.  Listen to this episode to find out what it is and how i go about doing it.

If you need any help with this I would be more than happy to help you, you can sign up for your free session HERE.
Look forward to meeting you!


Welcome to my podcast. Guys, if you are here to work on your relationship with your child, then you are for sure in the right space, because you will always, always have to work on your relationship with yourself. And, and this is what I offer here on my podcast. So if you listen to my podcast and hear things that are completely are not obviously related to your son, listen on because whatever, uh, you improve in your relationship with yourself will automatically improve your, all of your relationships, including with your son. So welcome and enjoy. Hey guys, welcome to my three part series of how to stop fighting with your son. I simplified it as much as I could for you so that it’s easy to like take away, right? So today I’m going to talk about part, one of how to stop fighting with your son.

And I will share the concept with you that made a big difference for me and my relationships. And I hope that we’ll do the same for you. So, um, this concept that I’m going to share with you, uh, is that relationships are your thoughts about the other person. So your relationship with your son is consists of your thoughts about your son. Okay? It’s not about what he, he does. It’s not about what you guys do together. It’s not about what he says to you. It’s not about what you say to him. It’s not what, um, you’ve done in the past together. It’s not what you’re going to do in the future. It really is what you’re telling yourself about your son, right? So what your thoughts are about your son will create an experience of your relationship for you. Okay? So I, uh, I love this, um, analogy that I’ve heard once about this brick wall.

This, um, I heard it from this monk, this guy who told the story, he is a Buddhist monk and he one time had to build a wall. I think I’ve already mentioned it on my podcast before, but I’m gonna do it again. And he had to build this brick wall. And after he built the brick wall, he noticed the two breaks that were not perfectly level with the other ones. And it was driving him crazy. He was every time he walked by the wall, he saw the two bricks and he wished they were level. They were like flash with the other bricks. And it was really bugging him every time he walked by the wall, he, he was so bugged and frustrated about the, the two bricks that he hated the wall. He really didn’t want to see the wall, like it really bugged him so much.

And so when I think about this example, it’s exactly like how hourly with our son, if we are focused on the two bricks on the 2% of our son, that is not exactly how we think it should be. We are going to not enjoy our son, right? We’re not gonna enjoy that wall. We’re not gonna see the other or 98 bricks that are beautifully, you know, even flat and like perfectly put together. And so th this is, I love this example because it ex zooms me out of the 2% that I don’t like about my son or whatever it is he’s doing, doing, saying whatever. And it zooms me out and reminds me that there’s a bigger picture to this and that my thoughts, right? If I, if my thoughts are focused on the 2% that I don’t like, or I wish was different, I’m going to feel frustrated.

I’m going to feel all these feelings I don’t want to feel, and I’m not gonna enjoy this relationship. Okay. So it’s, it’s just like that wall. Your relationship with your son is a hundred different breaks. What breaks do you want to focus on? And it’s not the breaks, the breaks like your son. It’s interesting. The brick wall is your son, but the actual wall doesn’t determine how you feel about the wall, right? Because you can think different things about the wall. You can think, uh, you can focus on the two bricks. You can be frustrated. You really thinking, wishing that they were not crooked, that they, or straight, that would cause you one feeling that would create a wand feeling about this relationship for you. And if you’re constantly thinking about it, then you would feel frustrated constantly, right? You could focus on the other 98 breaks that are straight and perfect and beautiful, full, and happy, and you would feel a different feeling, right?

And so notice how the wall doesn’t change, but you’re feeling about it changes. So the same thing about your son, another way I love to think, um, to, to kinda get a, get a summary of your relationship with your son is ask yourself what is the title of my relationship with my son? And if you were to summarize it in one sentence, what would you, uh, what would that be? What would that sentence be? That sentence is very telling. I remember my own story with one of my sons where I realized that my, um, story, like my title of my relationship with, with my son is, was we’re always fighting. Okay. And that’s why I started this podcast. I was once in that situation where I was hurting, because I felt like my relationship with my son could be so much better and I was missing out on loving him.

So when I realized that I did a lot of work and on the other side of that work, the title of my relat with my son became, he’s a good boy. It, it, and it felt so different, right? The feeling that it brought on was dramatically different and opposite off were always fighting. So that, um, the summary of your relationship with your son will be very telling about how you are experiencing it for yourself and how you, what story you’re telling yourself. And so, when I tell you that any relationship is your thoughts about the other person, it is an amazing news, because if you want to change that relationship, you don’t have to change. The other person. All you have to do is look at your thoughts. And if you want to pick different, you can, that is available to you. That is optional to you.

If you are not enjoying that relationship, what thoughts would you rather think? And that is the concept that really, really changed my life. All of my relationships, my relationship with my husband, my mom, my dad, my friends, my kids, uh, my colleagues, my clients, everyone. Because every time I have a feeling about the other person that I don’t like, I don’t go to the other person and ask them to change. I always look, oh, like, what am I thinking about the other person that’s causing this feeling? I’m jumping ahead. And, and I’m, this is, I will cover more of this in the second part in the next episode. But it, this, the definition of a relationship is really has changed my life to, um, be, to give me the power, to change my relationships from within me. It gives me the power to do that, because guess what?

Right? We can’t change the other person. You probably know this. And if you’re listening to this, you probably tried changing the other person many, many times, and you probably weren’t successful and it’s not reliable and it’s doesn’t work. Right. So we can change the other person. What we can change is our experience of our relationship with that other person. Okay. So, um, let me see, look at my loans notes, um, to change the relationship, you can change your thoughts about them. And this is ver where coaching becomes extremely useful because sometimes we don’t even realize that what we’re thinking is a thought and not the truth. A lot of my clients will tell me, but this is just how it is. This is the truth. This is how this person is. How can I think anything else? And coaching is something as a tool to separate the truth from your thoughts.

So I really highly invite you to get coached on this, on your thoughts, thoughts about your son with me or anyone else to really get, see the most benefit from this concept. Okay. Um, another example, uh, that I have for you that really demonstrates that you can have a relationship, uh, with the other person just, and it is your thoughts at, um, the other person doesn’t even have to be there for you to have a relationship with them. Why is that? Right? Because we can have thoughts about the other person without them being there. And we will experience it, that relationship in our body, in our head, without them being there are just from thinking about them, right? When their son is not there. And we’re thinking about him, we have an, a relationship with him. We are experiencing that relationship based on the thoughts.

We’re thinking, that’s why a lot of people can have a relationship with someone who has passed away, right? If they’re a parent or someone close has passed away and they keep thinking about them, they are continuing to have a relationship with them because they’re having thoughts about them. And those thoughts can feel very good, right? If you miss that person, if you love that person, and they’re not there, you will still feel that love for them. You will feel the missing of them. You will feel all the different things they would’ve said to you, right? Because you are thinking about them. And that’s why sometimes, um, when a mom and a son have a bad relationship and they do not talk, and the son doesn’t speak to the mom, that’s when a mom can and still have a relationship with her son, even when they’re not speaking, because she’s still thinking about him.

She still loves him. She still wishes best for him. She still has all these thoughts about her boy, even though they’re not connected, they’re not connecting, right. So this is, this is when it’s very, um, even more obvious that your relationship with that other person is only your thoughts. Okay. And another example I love to give this example to my clients is when they have a partner or husband or dad, or the dad of their kid, is I ask, I ask them, like, what, what are you, what is your relationship with your son? And what is your, what is the relationship of your dad or your son’s dad with your son? And it’s always, always different, right? It’s never the same that you have the same relationship with your son, as your partner has with your son. It may be similar. It may be both or may be good relationships, but the idea is your husbands or your partner partners, thoughts about your son will be different than yours.

Right? And so it’s always fascinating to see how can the son, your boy be the same person, but you experience him differently than your partner. Right? Like I remember my husband saying once, um, oh, he loves the heat. My boy. And I’m thinking, are you crazy? He doesn’t like the heat and the truth. Where’s the truth. Right? It’s because I, the experience that I’ve had with my son, I formulated my opinion, uh, that he doesn’t like the heat. So my thoughts, sorry. He doesn’t like the heat. And my husband thinks he’s convinced that the truth is that he likes the heat. So the truth is what the truth is. Actually what you just believe, what you are believing about your son is the truth for you. Right? And what my son is believing about the heat is the truth for him. So the, yes, the truth is super subjective.

And that, that is what I’m trying to get to at is that your relationship with your son is your thoughts. And it doesn’t have to be based in like what your actual son is, because that is up to your opinion, what he is, you will always have an opinion about that. That’s how our brain is designed. Um, we look at the world and we, we judge, we judge it and we form an opinion. We think either something that’s useful to us, we think, oh, this is good. We feel good. Or we form a different opinion. That’s this is not good. We don’t feel good. Right. And so what, we will do the same thing with our son. And so, yeah. Look around like, what are different? Your son has many different relationships with her, his grandparents, his friends, his other parent, his girlfriend, his wife, his kids, you, you, right.

All of his relationships are different. How can that be? And everyone will experience that relationship differently. Right. Even if you ask your son to define a relationship with his mom, he will probably describe it in a different way than you would. Why is that? It’s because his relationship with you is based on his thoughts about you. I just love this so much because it gives me full power to take care of myself and my relationship. Like, how do I want to experience this relationship? Okay. What thoughts do I want to think? And then I have the work to do. I have to then look at like, okay, this thought is not believable. Which thought do I want to believe? How can I believe this thought better? If I want to think our relationship is amazing, how can I do that? You know, what, what already is amazing in our relationship?

Let me find that proof. And I want to say, this is not positive thinking when people say, oh, you just have to be positive about this. What they’re implying is that, oh, you just have to think of thoughts about this bad thing. And that is not what I teach. I want to make this very clear. I do not believe this works. And I don’t believe this is the truth. I do not believe that there are bad things. I believe that there are things in the world and we make them good or bad with our thoughts. Okay. So there’s no thing out there that’s bad that you have to compensate for by thinking good thoughts. I do believe that there’s a thing out there, like your son, and it’s up to you of, on how you want to feel about him and think, and your thoughts will determine how you feel.

So you don’t have to be positive about him or negative because he is not good or bad. You can choose to think that he’s a good boy and feel extremely good about him. So that’s a caveat about positive of thinking. This is not positive thinking. Um, so I gave you some of my examples. I had, I’ve done a lot of work in my personal relationship with my husband on that. Um, because I didn’t want to focus on the two crooked bricks. I was missing the 98 bricks that are, and I wasn’t enjoying them. I have this beautiful, beautiful, amazing husband and what my mind was just focused on these two crooked breaks. And I did a lot of work to keep bringing my mind back to all of the a hundred bricks. And I did the work on that. And I decided that these two bricks mean that I have a hundred bricks.

So these things that I don’t like in him mean that I have a, a husband, right? If I didn’t have a husband, I wouldn’t have these two bricks and the same thing with my son, right? It’s, it’s a bit different, but the work is the same is I had to step away back and look at the thoughts that I have about him. And to see the other side, it took me a while. It, it might take you a while. If you are deep in fighting with him, if you’re deep in wishing that he was different, then it will take you a while to see the other side of it. And the other side of it, of it is, um, picturing an amazing relationship picturing and a relationship that is so fun and light and loving, and you just your son. And when you see him, you don’t feel shame. When you see him, you don’t feel guilt. You don’t feel bad about fighting with him. You don’t dread seeing him. You don’t have any of that. And all you do is you just feel good and light and fun and loving. And this brings me to the number are one step you can do to stop fighting with your son. And that step is to stop fighting with yourself about something that you have done wrong to cause this fighting.

And to do that, you have to realize, okay, am I actually doing that? Maybe probably, if there’s some guilt over the past, if you are blaming yourself for this, if you’re blaming yourself for what he’s doing, if you’re blaming yourself for what you are doing, if there’s any shame, if there’s any hidden, like a heavy dreadful feeling, if you’re blaming yourself, this is what your F first step is, is to own it, right. To look at it, to see it. Okay. I do have that. I do blame myself. I do feel guilty. Um, whatever it is, if you feel guilty for something that you’ve done in the past, or for yelling at him in the last fight or for in general, being not a good mom, whatever it is, big or small too far, like long time ago, or be recent, your job is to have a conversation with yourself and to, uh, be at P like, kind of forgive yourself for that.

How do you do that? Many ways you can do that for me, I always have tell myself it is okay that I did that. And then sometimes my answer back to myself is really it’s okay. How is it? Okay, this is terrible. What I’ve done. And I keep telling myself, no, it really is okay because you are human human people do this. Humans are not robots. Humans make these mistakes. And I tell myself that nothing has gone wrong. And I’m telling you, you, nothing has gone wrong here. You were always supposed to do that. This is happening for you. And this is happening also for your son. How is that possible? That maybe is none of your business, but you are, that is available for you to believe that. And if you do believe that you will be less likely to fight yourself over it, you will be less likely to shame yourself and blame yourself for doing all these things because they were always meant to happen.

And I do believe this is one of my core beliefs that I, every thing happens for the best, for the good of us to help us and even something horrible that has happened, or, or that we experience this horrible is happening so that we can learn something is for the, for the good of us. And so, if something is happening kind of turbulent with your son and you, it is happening for you for the best of you and for him. So just, if you can trust that it will help you tremendously, because then you will be able to drop into the space where the universe is here to help me is here to take care of me. And this happened for me. So then I don’t have to feel bad about whatever I did or said, or he or didn’t do. And I am human and humans make mistakes.

There’s no shame in doing something wrong with your son, because it’s only an opinion. Maybe you didn’t do anything wrong again. You did it for him. Your son has the exact mom. He’s meant to have. What if that is really true? Think about it. How relieved would you be if you just allow that to be true? He has the exact mom he’s supposed to have with all the things that you have done wrong quotes, because there’s really nothing wrong you can do. So if he, your son has the exact mom, he’s meant to have, then he’s learning the lessons. He, he came here to learn with you and all the people in his life. So you don’t have to worry about ruining him. You did not him. There’s nothing that you’ve done to ruin him. You did not break him for life. You did not do something.

That’s going to stay with him for the rest of his life. D don’t do this to yourself, right? That’s just going to make you feel terrible. Believing, thinking that thought that you ruined him or did something to him. It’s going to make you feel terrible. So this is what I tell myself. And I’m telling you this, this is what helped me. So do whatever is necessary for, for you to feel okay with whatever you have done, to not blame yourself and to not shame yourself. And that is your first step. Once you are able to get there, you will then be able to be curious about your own thoughts about your son with a out, any judgment, right? If you are blaming yourself and shaming yourself for what you’ve done, you will then bring that in with you to look at your thoughts about your son.

And you will beat yourself even up, even more about what you’re thinking about. Your son. Don’t do that. Don’t take this information and use it against yourself. Uh, simply do what you can best. And if you need help, I’m here to help you look at your thoughts and drop the judgment and get down to your thoughts about your son. And so this is, um, the two things that I have for you. Let me summarize. The one thing is this concept, that relationships are your thoughts about the other person. So your relationship with your son is the collection of all the thoughts that you have about him. And those thoughts will determine how you experience, how you feel about your, and if you are fighting with your son and are, you are not enjoying, you’re not loving him. That then that is an indication that your thoughts about your son need some revising and you are fully in charge of doing that.

You are in charge of your thoughts about your son, not your son, what he does, doesn’t determine what you think about him. Okay? That’s that is the concept that you can always go back to in any relationship, if you want to change it. So if you want to change that relationship, you, you can do. So by changing your thought about thoughts about the other person. And the other thing is the number one step that you can do is to stop fighting yourself about what you’ve done or what you haven’t done with your son. Okay? Stop fighting with yourself and get to being okay with whatever it is with fighting with him, with doing everything. Um, if you need help with that, I really do invite you to come and sign up for a free session with me, where we can address that and talk about that. And you can tell me everything and I can help you, uh, address those blocks and see what you can see. Oh, there’s the song turned on. Sorry about that.

I’m on the roll. Um, and so that is the two things I have for you today. So the relationships are your thoughts about the other person. And number one thing you need to stop is stop beating yourself up for whatever you’ve done wrong. Then you will be able to access your relationship with your son and change it. If you need to, if you want to in the next, uh, part two, I will talk about, um, your feelings about your son and how he doesn’t cause you to feel bad. And he also doesn’t make you feel happy. Okay, I’ll talk about that. In the, in the third part of these series, I will give you examples. I of different thought errors. We have that cause us to fight with our son. And I’ll also give you some examples of thoughts that create love for our son.

I hope this was helpful. If it was helpful, please share with others who you might think will find it help helpful, and so they can get help with their son. Thank you so, so much for listening and I love you. And I will see you in the next episode. And if you need help, please come to my website and sign up for a free mini mini session. It’s completely free, where you have 45 minutes of my time, where I can help you talk about your relationship with your son. I would love to do that. It’ll be my honor. Uh, you can go to www dot coaching, and go to sign up for a free mini session and pick the time you need. If you can’t find the time that works for you always, you can email me and we can find the time that works for both of us. All right, guys. All right. Have a great week and please stop beating yourself up. Okay.

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