In part 3 of the series I explore all the Thoughts that would fuel you fighting with your boy.
You must listen to this episode to see how your thinking cycle has you showing up and fighting with your son.
I share the 4 categories I have for all our thoughts. Seeing your thoughts through this lens will help you see which area you are judging in and help you OWN your feelings.
Once you take full ownership of how you feel and how you create your feelings only then you will have access to changing it.
If you need any help with any of this work it would be my honour to help you connect with your son. You can book your free session HERE.
FULL TRANSCRIPT BELOW
Oh, my friends. How are you all doing? Welcome to the series. The third part of the series of how to stop fighting with your son? Eh, let’s just recap. In the first two episodes, I talked about the two concepts that are essential for us to understand and kind of adapt, adopt in our life in order to stop fighting with our son or just to have a really good relationship with him. So the idea, the first concept is that our relationship with our son is not something outside of us. It’s not what we do with our son. It’s not what our son tells us. It’s not what he does. It’s not what we do together. It’s not what I say to him. It’s none of that. The, the relationship, the definition of the relationship with our son is our thoughts, our stories. We think about our son.
Okay. That’s how we will experience our relationship with our boy is what we’re thinking about him. Okay. So that’s number one. The second I, uh, concept that I talked about in the second part was that our feeling are not created by our son. It’s not, you know what he does, doesn’t make us mad what he says. Doesn’t make us upset. It’s not coming from him. It’s coming from our thoughts. Okay? So these two concepts, I want you to keep them in mind as I talk about out examples today. And, uh, today I’m going to talk about different thoughts that will cause you to fight with your sons so that you can, um, be aware, like understand what’s causing the fight in the first place, right? Once we understand what’s causing the fight in the place, then we can take ownership of that and realize, oh, we are, we are creating that on our end.
And then from that understanding, we can choose to stop it if we want to. Right. But before we take ownership of it, we cannot stop. Right? And I want to be clear when I say stop fighting with your son. I am talking about you, uh, taking your part in the fight with your son, right? You know, there only takes, it takes two people to fight. If your son can be fighting with you, but if you are not fighting back with him, there is no fight. There is connection. There is agreement. So yes, I am talking that you, what you can do so that you stop fighting with him because we cannot control what he does. We can’t control what he says. We can’t make him stop fighting with you, right? This is him, his business, none of your business, but I am here to help you.
And I am here to help you feel better about your son and connect with him. Love him instead of fighting him. Okay? So today I will talk about different examples of thoughts that you will have that will create a feeling for you. And from that feeling, you are fighting with your son. Okay? So I categorized these thoughts into four different categories, and I will tell you them right now. So the first category that is so common for a lot of people is this category. I labeled it fighting reality about your son. That means you want your son to be different. Okay? So if you have a thought that any, any thought that will, um, fall under this category, then that thought will create a feeling of, um, of any, any feeling that will drive fighting. So I’ll give you some examples. So if you are not accepting, you’re fighting the reality of your son.
You might want him to be happy. You’re like, he’s not happy not. And this is the most common, most poisonous thought we can have about our son that may lead to a fight, may lead to a, an argument may lead to you, nagging him, may lead to you, showing up in a way that’s annoying. That’s fighting him, right? So even though you do want him to be happy, what you’re basically saying is I don’t think he’s happy enough, which is you judging him, which is in other words, you fighting, what’s real for your son right now. Like, say, let’s say he’s not happy. Or in your opinion, he’s not happy. Right? And if you are fighting that reality, basically you’re not accepting it. You’re like, no, this is not good enough. I think he should be happy. Then you are going to create frustration for yourself in your body.
Either frustration or anger or off or worried or scared, annoyed, uh, any of those, these feelings, disappointment, unsatisfaction. Then from that feeling, how are you going to show up to him with him? And my guess is you’re not going to be trusting that he’s got it. You’re not going to be loving. You’re not going. You be curious. You’re not going to be connecting with him. You’re not going to be as supportive as you can be because you think he should be happier. You think something’s gone wrong and you are gonna tell him, you should do this. Right? And that is an example of how, if we have a thought, like he should be happier. I just want him to be happy. But it has us showing up in a way that has us fighting with him. Okay? So it’s called a thinking cycle. We have a thought that creates a feeling for us.
And from that feeling, we fight with our, with our son. So any thought that you have about your son, uh, that you want him to be different. You want him to do something. You want him to stop doing something. You want him to call more. You want him to rest more. You want him to play less video games. You want him to get better grades. You want him to care more? You want him to have good friends. You want him to get married? You want him to have kids. You want him to settle down. You want him to grow up? You want him to pick up his socks, right? Any of these things that you are wanting him to do, because you are not accepting the reality of what’s going on, which will create frustration. You’re like, I want this to be happening, but I feel like it’s not happening.
And I feel frustrated, right? So notice how not accepting what’s going on for your son will, will make you feel, notice the feeling. I may be wrong about how you’re feeling, but I know that the fighting the action of fighting with your son comes from some feeling, what is that feeling for you? For me, it’s usually some sort of frustration, some flavor of that, right? Unsatis anger, something like that. Right? And so that’s, what’s, that’s, what’s causing the fight, not your son, right? We think it’s our son. We think it’s what he’s doing. We think it’s how he’s not doing something. If he was doing something better than we would feel better. No, that’s not the case. It’s a, our thought about what he’s doing. Right? So that’s first category. Not, not, uh, agreeing with what he’s doing, judging it fighting the reality of your, your son’s life.
Okay. So any thoughts you have about son and how he should be doing it better, differently, put it on in that first category and then see what feeling that creates for you. Because that feeling will determine whether you are loving your son actively, right? If you’re supporting him or if you are fighting him actively, right. Or if you are withholding love, right? That feeling is very important because it will determine how you show up. Not, it will not determine what your son does. We can’t change what he’s doing. We’ve tried. Right? So remember, it’s not what your son’s doing. It’s what you’re thinking about, what he’s doing. Okay. And if your thoughts are not, um, oh, I like what he’s doing, or I support him or I love him or how can I support him better? If they’re not thoughts like that, then you’re not, um, allowing yourself to love him and connect with him as much as you want, then you are contributing to the fight.
You’re the one causing the fight. You’re fighting the reality, right? So that’s the first category fighting the reality of your son. Then there’s an other category is fighting the reality of you as a mom. And I did not write down a lot of examples for this because it’s a general topic for this is like, I’m not a good mom. You can, there’s a lot of different, um, thoughts though you can have that are like that same theme. Like I’m a terrible mom, or I’m doing something wrong. If I was doing something right, he would be doing that. So just in general, if notice, if you have judgment of yourself as his mom, then you will create feelings for yourself of like shame again, frustration. Like you’re frustrated like about yourself. You’re thinking, you know, if I only showed up differently, then our relationship would be different.
We, he would talk to me more. He would call me more. He would not be so angry or he would be doing better at school. Or he would have a better relationship with girls, whatever it is. If you’re blame, you don’t know yourself. That’s going to show up in your relationship with your son. Probably not in a way that you want, right? Just like the same way that you show up. If you’re frustrated about him, the same thing happens. If you’re frustrated about you, you, that will show up in your actions with him. Right. For example, if you think I’m a terrible mom for yelling at my son, you might feel shame and then beat yourself up. That shame will have you like of kind of close up, um, feel bad about yourself and feel frustrated. And then what are you likely to do when you are feeling ashamed, terrible about yourself and closed up and beating yourself.
You’re more likely to express that frustration when, with your son, right? So you’re, again, you’re going to, you might yell, right? So if you yell at him because you’re feeling frustrated and shame shameful, then you’re just going to prove to yourself that I’m a terrible mom. Okay. And that’s just one example of how we, um, how our opinion of ourselves as a mom will affect how we are with our boy. Right? So any judgment that you have about yourself as a mom categorize in this second category is fighting the real reality of who you are being as a mom. Okay? If you were not judging yourself as how you’re being as a mom, if you were thinking thoughts, like I’m a good mom, I’m doing best. I can. I love my boy. Right? I am doing a good job. Those thoughts would produce feelings for you.
Like love, acceptance, um, compassion, maybe pride. And from those feelings, very important for us to recognize that these feelings are what are, is driving are actions when we are with our son. So these feelings would have you show up with your son in a more loving way, in a more open way, in a more curious way, right? If you are feeling at peace about yourself, then you are a lot likely to provide support and love and connection to your son, right? So now we have two categories fighting the reality of your son, judging your son, wishing he was different. And then the second thing with yourself fighting the reality of you, wishing you were a different mom, judging yourself as a mom. And both of thoughts that would go into these categories will create feelings that will create fights. Okay. So our thinking cycle is our thoughts about our son or, or ourselves will create emotion in your, that will create you fighting with your son.
Okay? So I’m just gonna keep repeating that because that is the, um, way you can have the power back in your relationship so that you can stop fighting. Okay. So that you don’t need your son to change, to feel better. So the third category is fighting the reality of the outside world, for example, oh, if, if, um, you know, my son’s dad would spend more time with him, then my son would behave better and then we would have a better relationship. So now you’re, you’re blaming the outside world and thinking that if the outside world would change, then your relationship with your son would be different. So notice how we have a theme here. We have a theme of fighting the reality. You’re either fighting the reality of your son, how your son is. You’re either fighting of the reality of you, how you are as a mom, as a person, or you’re fighting the reality of the external world, everything outside of that, and any sort of fighting will create feelings that drive you, actions of fighting.
Right. Um, so if you’re thinking like, oh, if, if we, if he could go to, you know, if teachers at school would treat him differently and then he would feel happier and he would then, you know, talk to me more, right. I’m just making this stuff up. But do you see how, if you’re thinking that something outside of your control or outside of your son’s control, if that was different, then things would be better. Again, it’s not the outside world that creates your feelings or your son’s feelings. It’s your thoughts? It’s your thoughts about those things? Right? If so, if you were thinking thoughts about, say the father, like I, um, am so blessed to have, you know, the father spend time with my boy, you know, any amount that he does, like feel how differently that feels than I wish he would spend more time with him. Right? If you had different thoughts, like, I love that my son has a father in his life. I, my son is going to school. I love that. I, my son has different teachers in his life because they’re all going to bring him something different to learn. Notice. If you were thinking these thoughts, how more empowered you would feel and how much better you would feel.
And if you’re feeling good about those things, how are you going to show up in your relationship with your son, right. You’re prob probably going to allow yourself to feel more love and connection with your son, if you are thinking these thoughts. Right? So again, notice how your thoughts about kind of the external world can either bring you closer to your boy or can create more of that fighting with your son. Okay. And the last cat gory that I wrote down here is thoughts about the past or the future. And I know this is so, um, specific, uh, but I’ve noticed this is very, um, specific to us moms because we Al are always thinking about the future of our boys, but we’re also always thinking about the past and how we showed up with our boy in the past and how our son used to behave in the past.
Right. And so if we are thinking, we can, we tend to worry, right? We have all these like super default thoughts about the future of our son and how, how it’s gonna turn out, whether he’s gonna be successful. You know, is he going to have these same problems he has now in the future, all of these things. So any thoughts that you have about the past and the future, what kind of feelings are they creating for you? This is a really good test. Like how can we test if they’re creating feelings of peace and, uh, comfort or excitement, um, are they producing good results in your life? These feelings, I, or are you feeling worried? Right. When we think about the future, we might feel worried, scared, anxious. And when we’re feeling that way, how are we going to talk to our boy? Are we going to be trying to control everything?
He’s doing everything we’re doing or are going to be more trusting and loving and accepting, right? So any thoughts that have something to do about the past and the past will be thoughts, like thoughts of, I should have done this differently. That feels terrible, right? If I have done this different, then he wouldn’t be behaving this way. That feels so terrible. Because if you’re thinking that and you can’t change the past, then you’re doomed, you’ve screwed. Right. So if you’re feeling, uh, uh, kind of guilt that has something to do, maybe with the past, if you’re thinking about thing about the future, that will look like a sense of worry or fear or anxiety or doom or dread, right. I want you to really, uh, pay attention. Are you whenever you’re thinking about your son and your relationship with him, wh which, uh, the thoughts that you’re having, which category will it fall into these four categories?
Will it fall into the first category fighting with your son? Uh, the reality of your son wishing him to be different it, or is it the thoughts about you wishing that you were different? Or is it thoughts about wishing that the external world would be different? Or is it going to be thoughts about the past wishing the past was different? Or is it going to be thoughts about the future? Um, wish, um, being like, worried about the future, you, you know, you kind of wishing that the future was different, right? You’re like, oh, if he’s having these problems now, then he will have these problems in the future for the rest of his life. So you are almost now deciding that the future will be terrible and you, the future would change. So notice how these thoughts, any of your thoughts will fall into any of these four categories.
And these thoughts will like produce feelings and the feelings are fuel for how you are, are with your son. What you say to your son. They, whatever you’re feeling will always fuel what you’re saying to him or what you’re not saying. If you are withdrawn, right? If you’re anxious and worried and feeling guilty, then you might withdraw from him, which will withdraw the love. You could be feeling from yourself and from him, right? So notice that this is your first job before we change. Anything is for you to be aware of what is creating the fighting. And it’s always, always your thinking and feeling your thoughts will create your feelings and your feelings are the fuel for the fighting. Okay? So now that you have a little bit more understanding of what’s creating the fighting, I want you to be super gentle with yourself and not judge yourself.
You’re only a human mom. You, you’re not a superhuman who is a robot who can’t, who’s not thinking negative thoughts, and who’s always doing the right wrong right thing. So just be patient and look at this as an experiment and start paying attention to what you’re thinking. If it helps for you to write down your thoughts, I highly recommend it. I, in fact, I do that. It helps me look at them. It helps me evaluate them. I write them down. And if I want it to be faster, to look at them, I write them down my phone. I just type them up because I’m not always computer. And I don’t always have a piece of paper. And, but my phone’s always with me. So I just open up notes and I just start dumping everything I’m thinking in my phone. And then I can look, oh, these are the thoughts that are creating my feelings.
Well, no wonder I’m fighting with whoever, right? I must say it’s not happening as much now because I’ve been working on my relationships and I am a lot better at not, not having these thoughts anymore. Like, or if they show up, I don’t react to them. And that’s a beautiful thing that will happen to you. And I cannot wait for that to happen to you because it’s almost like pressing a pause button when you have a thought come up. Oh, I wish he was different. Or I wish he would do something right away. You notice that thought and you don’t react to it, that you see it. And you know, that this thought doesn’t produce good results for you. And you just see it and you right away, because you see it, you stop, you don’t react. You’re like, oh right. I see that. That’s not useful.
How can I accept what he’s, how can I allow what he’s doing with love and support? And if you can’t do that with love and support, simply just like, how can I just let him be, you know, I don’t have to like what he’s doing, but I don’t have to fight him over this either. Right. So I want you to report back to me, how is it going? Do you have any questions again? I would love to coach you on any of this, because it helps us to talk about our thoughts with another brain, another somebody else outside of our brain. We get more awareness of our thoughts when we say them out loud when we write them down or when someone else points out. Oh, Hey, did you notice that? What, what you just said is actually a thought it is hugely beneficial to do this work with someone else, even if it’s just, um, like a friend, uh, who is listening.
Right. But it, it is a lot more efficient with the coach because we are trained to, um, point out the cycle, the thinking cycle to you. Oh, Hey, did you notice that when you are thinking, um, you know, he should be taking out the garbage, you feel frustrated, and then that frustration leads you to, um, fight with him. Did you notice that? Right? What if you were feeling, um, understanding that he doesn’t want to take out the garbage and you were willing to remind, to take out the garbage more times than you do then, would you be showing up with him in a lot, a lot less fighting way? Right. So as coaches, we do tr kind of try to, um, take you from one for feeling and show you a road to another feeling where you are going to show up with more love and connection, right?
And then at the end, it’s up to you, what you choose to think and feel, and how you’re gonna choose to act, but it is my job to, uh, show you the options. So I invite you to, to sign up for a free session with me completely free, where I can help you with anything you’re struggling with. And if it is still unclear, please just email me at Natalia coaching, natalia.com or do sign up for a session. You can go to my website, www dot coaching, natalia.com, uh, and go to sign up for a free mini session. Um, and if you can’t find the time that works for you, just email me and we can figure out the time that, um, I can just, uh, see what else I have available. But I do think that, um, I think this will be super helpful for you to really look at your thoughts.
So you’re thinking about you, uh, as a mom, your son, or the world around your son or the past and the future, what are all those thoughts? And are they creating feelings of love and connection, or are they frustration and anger and kind of off furious then of course, you’re going to be fighting with him, right. So take care of your own feelings first, and then the act, then you will show up in a loving way by default. Okay. All right. Uh, next episode, I’m talking about boundaries and how you can set boundaries with your son from a loving connection, connected place, not from anger and fear and defensiveness us. Um, and that will be key because you can still allow yourself to love your son, but set a boundary that works for you, and that serves you in your life. All right. Okay. Tune in for the part four next week, and I will see you next week. Bye.