Fights that lead to connection

Having a good relationship with yourself. Being able to say sorry to your son after not paying attention to him. That is ultimate. Being willing to be not perfect. 

– the irony of what happened – helping people connect with their boys while I am disconnecting with mine

– using it to connect with your son instead of disconnect

– being proud of yourself for saying sorry 

– being an example of what it looks like to own your mistakes and be OK with being Not perfect and be an example of how to deal with being human and not make it mean you are terrible

– not holding it against yourself that you did that- no shame – just proud

– not afraid to be imperfect – willing to make mistakes and say sorry

– willing to forgive yourself for ALL the terrible things that you have done wrong before 

– makes you willing to be imperfect and make mistakes again in the future – and willing to say sorry for them

-not the end of the world

– don’t feel shitty about yourself

– move on and love your boy and be a good mom

– see ALL of the good you are doing for your boy and yourself

– see your progress from when you used to beat yourself up, used to cry over being a “bad mom”, scaring him for life and not getting it right- you are doomed and he will never talk to you again and in the future you will have a terrible relationship with him. 

– before I would have not noticed I have done that, not apologized, not connected to him over it, beat myself up for not listening to him, or not even notice that I disconnected from him in that moment. 

– so if you want to be able to do the same thing – create connection over your fights then you need to come work with me and give this gift to yourself for the rest of your life – 

Please share this with other moms! Thank you! And please leave a review!
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Welcome to my stop fighting with your son podcast. If this is your first time here, I recorded four episodes, especially for you to help you eliminate the fights right away and start connecting with your boy as, as possible, go to episodes 54 through 59. I have four boys on my own, and I know better than anyone, how much you want to have a good relationship with your boy and all the things that can come in your way. If you are a mom of boys, I am the coach for you. Let’s go, Hey guys, how’s it going? How’s your week going? I have a story for you. My husband and I had a really good laugh over it. And I told him I’m gonna record it on my podcast. So here I am. And I’m so happy this happened because I think it’s an amazing example for you guys to hear and to know that it happened to me.

Okay. So here’s what happened. So I have a bunch of these flyers that I have for the podcast and I leave them. I share them with places, right? Like if I go to the gym, I ask them if they mind, if I put them there and they don’t mind, I put them there. So I have a couple of places where I have left to the flyers for my podcast to spread the word. And so last week I took, uh, one of my boys for a haircut, but I had all of my kids there. So, um, at the end of the haircut, I paid for the haircut and one of my boys was there, uh, right beside me. And he was looking at the wall of toys that was, um, there, and he wanted to buy a toy. So what was happening is that I, I was paying for the haircut.

He was looking at the toy. And after that, he goes, oh, mom, can you can, can I have this toy? And, um, but I was distracted in my head with my own agenda, uh, to leave some flyers at the hair salon. And so I wanted, I waited for the chance to talk to the owner who I was paying, and I wanted to ask Earl, would that be okay for if I left some, some flyers? So I was so distracted and so consumed by the idea of leaving the flyers at the salon <laugh> that I was not paying attention to my own son <laugh>. And so, as I told this to my husband, he laughed so hard. He goes, oh, do you see the irony? I’m like, yes, I see the irony. I, my business is to help other moms connect with their son. And I was trying to spread the word while.

And because of that, I was disconnecting from my own son. Cause I was so consumed with the idea of leaving the flyers. So it was so funny. And so, and my son got upset because I wasn’t paying enough attention to hear what he was saying. And, but I just said, no, no, no, I’m not buying you toys. You don’t have your allowance here. You know, I, I am not lending you money because I don’t do that anymore. Blah, blah, blah. So I said, no, he was upset. So later that evening, I, uh, kind of re replayed what happened because my son is still upset. Right. Uh, and I replayed in my head what happened and I remembered, I was able to remember what he said and I realized, okay, oh right. I wasn’t paying attention because I was so consumed by this. And I said, no.

And I said, no, because of how I used to do things. But in this it situation I reassessed. And I, and I actually saw that he was right. I could have helped him out in this situation because, um, you know, he didn’t have his allowance with him and I could have just helped him and lent him the money until we got home. And he would pay me back. And I saw that he was right, because in like, what, why wouldn’t I help out my son right before I stopped lending the money like a couple years ago, because it was getting to a point where it was all the time. And I didn’t want to keep track of it in my head all the time. And I wanted to teach them to just spend what they have and don’t spend when they don’t have it. Right.

That was two, three years ago. Now at this point, this is not a problem anymore. And so I thought, okay, I can help him out, but yet it was too late. Right. We were not at the store anymore. And I thought, oh my gosh, I was able to seed in hindsight. You’re right. He, you know, he needed, he was asking me reasonably for my help. I said, no. And he didn’t think it was there. So he was upset. So I actually went into his room and I thought about it. All right, right. I went into his room and I said, I’m so sorry. I, uh, you you’re right. Actually what happened was I was so distracted by this plan of mine to leave the flyers at the hair salon that I’m so sorry. I do, didn’t pay enough attention. And didn’t really hear what you were asking me.

And you’re, I’m sorry. I could have helped you. I could have been more helpful and helped you out. And so I, we hugged and I felt better. And I said, I’m so sorry. You like, I could have helped you. So this story, I think, is such a great example because look, I’m a coach. I help you guys with your relationships, with feeling good as a mom, I help you get rid of shame and guilt and have a good relationship with your son. And here I am messing up in my own relationship with my own son. But I think it’s so beautiful because first of all, it’s an example that we are all still human. This still happens to me and it’s okay. And we know what to do with it. We have skills and tools, and most importantly, we’re not going to use it against ourselves to feel bad.

We’re not going to decide we’re a bad mom. We’re not going to shut down and feel shame and feel guilty. And instead, we’re going to use this op as an opportunity. We’re going to use it to connect with our boy because I felt like such a good mom. When I went into a apologize, I was like, I felt like, oh my gosh, it’s so great that I, now I see that I was wrong. I am so sorry. I truly am. I next time I’ll do better. I will support you better. I am so sorry. And I felt so connected to him. I felt so good as a mom. I felt so proud of myself for saying, sorry. I felt so proud of myself for being in a good example of what it looks like to my son when we own our mistakes. Right? As an adult, he’ll have to do that many, many times and he’ll have a good role model.

<laugh> you’re welcome, uh, right. For how, what it like to make a mistake, say, sorry, own it and move on and not feel bad about it. Not make it mean anything about use a person, but actually use it to create something good in your life. Use it like to create connection. He’ll use it in, he own his own relationships, right? When he is in a relationship and even like with his own brothers or anyone in his life, he’ll be able to say, Hey, oh my gosh, I messed up. I am so sorry. Can we I’ll do better? Let’s move on. Right. I love you. And we’re good. Right? So I was a good example in doing that. Um, and I didn’t hold it against myself moving forward, which before in the past, before I have done this work, I would’ve done that. I would’ve felt so bad that I’m messed it up.

And I did it again. And I would’ve probably made it mean something bad about me as a mom and feel shame. And I would’ve not want to go apologize to him because I would not want to feel really bad. Right. When you feel shame, you want to hide. You’re like, something’s wrong with me? And I don’t want to see anyone right now. Right? So I was an example to him of showing him what it’s like to be imper, not perfect, which is a big, big skill, I believe for all of us. So when we’re willing to be not perfect, we’re also willing to make mistakes in everything. Right. And when we’re willing to make mistakes, we’re also willing to say, sorry. Right. So I was, I was an example of all of that to him. Oh my gosh. See, it’s just getting better and better.

The other thing is I was willing to forgive myself and all the terrible things that I have done. Like I’ve, I would’ve had my previous work I have done was to forgive all the terrible things that I’ve done in my past. So this was super easy for me. Right. Because I’m so practiced now at seeing it and be like, all right, here’s another one. I’m so sorry. Right. I’m human doesn’t mean anything. And I forgive myself and let’s move on. Okay. So I’m just go going through all my notes. And as before, before when I was in the mode of I’m a bad mom, this sucks. This means something bad about me. It felt like the end of the world, it felt like heavy burden. I’m carrying with me and it just cannot get worse. I am stuck. This feels really bad. And it just adds me down and does not connect me to my boy.

Right. And I would’ve felt bad about myself. So in this situation, I was able to not only make it not the end of the world, I felt like this is great. A great outlet to connect with my boy, right. To, to go and talk to him and say, sorry, and connect him to him. Right. Which is what we want to do. And from this mindset, we, you me are able also to see all the good things we’re doing as a mom and as a person and as, as his mom, right. We’re able to see, oh, right. I did say, sorry, I’m so proud of myself. And, oh, you’re right. I did go talk to him and I want to do better. And you know, what, what is the purpose of a mom sometimes, right? Like, oh, I actually want to help him as a family member.

I want to gain example of family members, helping family members. So in this situation, I didn’t help him. I want to help him next time. And if he’s a grownup, like 30 or 40, and he’s a completely independent adult, I want to support him and help him. So if he calls me for help, I want to help him. So how is this situation different? It’s not. And I use this as an opportunity to learn, to learn how it is that I want to show up with him. So if I’m repeating myself, it’s only because I believe that we need a lot of repetition to hear the same message. Many, many times I’m too sinking. And from my own experience, I’ve probably heard some of the messages that I’ve heard hundreds and hundreds of times. And there is one time maybe after like a hundred time where I would experience it in my own, my own body, my own experience in my own life.

And then it clicks and then it sinks in and then it works. So just keep on listening to good messages from anyone. And they will, they’re like little seeds in your brain that will sprout and grow and take over. Okay. So what else do I say in my notes? Um, also you were able, like, from what happened to me, I was able to see my own progress from when I used to beat myself up a long time ago. And, um, I, you know, to cry over being a bad mom, I used to right away. I was thinking, oh my gosh, in the future, he’s not gonna talk to me. We’re gonna have a better relationship. It’s gonna be worse. We’re gonna fight all the time. Right. See how, like I used to, I would just like replicate everything, just decide everything was gonna suck forever.

Right. That used to happen this time. It didn’t happen this time. It, the exact opposite. In fact, I created a connection that makes me believe that it’s only gonna get better. Right. Uh, and so, yeah, so I would, so before I, I had any of these tools, I would’ve, um, not noticed, first of all, I, would’ve not noticed that, um, I didn’t help him. And if I did notice it, I probably would’ve used it against myself, feel bad about myself. Um, and I didn’t would probably, would’ve not apologized for that. Right. I probably would’ve just feel bad and hide and, and not talk to him. I would withdraw from him. I would kind of shut down all myself. I would’ve been like, you stupid mom, why are you messing everything up? Right. So if you want to be able to do the same thing is create connection.

Even with your fights with your son, you need to come do this work so that you can get kind of set up your brain in a way that this, that you know what to do, right? So that you get rid of your shame. You don’t feel guilty so that you are open and you’re free of all the baggage. And you feel really good about yourself. And then you will be able to feel good about you and your son, but it has to start with you. You have to be willing to do all this work, to forgive yourself, to be willing, to be imperfect. And it, it will feel uncomfortable. It will feel not good, but it is something that’s necessary for you to move on. You have to be able to process all of that shame, to see it, to feel it, to feel the guilt.

And then you have to forgive yourself. I just coached a client right before recording this. And that is her work for her to be able to get, get the relationship that she wants with her kids, boys, and feel like she has a good one. She first has to feel like she deserves it in order for her to feel like she deserves it. She needs to forgive herself for all the terrible quote, quote, unquote, things that she thinks that she’s done in the past. She has to forgive herself. Right? First you forgive yourself. Then I also want to put this in that there’s nothing really to forgive, because if we’re willing to be imperfect and we’re humans and we are supposed to make mistakes, then there’s nothing to forgive. Right? So first you forgive yourself, then you take it even a step step further there. And you say, okay, there was really nothing to forgive.

Cuz I did it all imperfectly the way it was supposed to be, then you can fully feel like, yeah, I deserve this. Yeah. I want this. I deserve this. Let’s do this. Right. And, and I can have this. So that’s her work. She’s doing it. And, and it’s only been two. She started working with me and she’s already saying how, um, connected and more optimistic she feels in her relationship with her boys. She’s already showing up the way she wants to show up. And it’s only been two weeks. We’ve only had two sessions. So I am so excited. So I hope you enjoy this story. If I was repeating off. Totally fine. Again, we’re doing the imperfect thing, but I do want you to ask you, if you are finding this helpful, this, these episodes, please share them with other moms, with other friends, with anyone, anyone who, um, has kids needs to hear this because everyone has a level of, and a level of guilt and shame that they don’t need to have. Okay. So please share the episodes. I would really appreciate it. It would help other people get this help. And also I would love it. If you guys left a review, I would really, again, help other people find the podcast. Otherwise I’ll see you on the zoom call. When you sign up up, go to my website. It’s www dot coaching, and go sign up for a free session and I’ll see you then. All right guys, have a great week. I’ll talk to you next week. Love you. Bye.

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