When the other person doesn’t do what we want then to do we can either get upset, let it ruin our whole day or we do these 2 things:
– remember that life is 50% great and 50%shitty and that’s OK
– NOT fight what IS in front of us
if he does not want to go on a walk – then it means he does not want to go on a walk.
It does not mean you have nothing in common, you will never be able to do anything, or that yo suck at this. it simply means that this is the negative part of life AND he does not want to go on a walk – and it’s ALL OK.
life should be 50% negative emotion and we can LET other people do or not do whatever it is they want. because the alternative is feeling upset over it.
listen to my example of how this played out for me last saturday
if you are stuck being upset then come sign up for a session and get unstuck https://coachingnatalia.com/schedule-an-appointment/
FULL TRANSCRIPT BELOW
Welcome to my stop fighting with your son podcast. If this is your first time here, I recorded four episodes, especially for you to help you eliminate the fights right away and start connecting with your boy. As, as possible, go to episodes 54 through 59. I have four boys on my own, and I know better than anyone, how much you want to have a good relationship with your boy and all the things that can come in your way. If you are a mom of boys, I am the coach for you. Let’s go,
Hey guys, how’s it going? You might notice my voice is a little bit off. I am sick a little bit, actually with COVID our whole family’s got it except for one kid, but he might get it later. And so we’ve all been home for a bunch of days and I’m just excited to talk to you. Hello. It’s been, it’s been, so I wanna talk to you today. I wanna, I have a story for you. So so my kids taking them to a lot of activities on the weekend and two weeks ago, new activities started for a bunch of kids. And this time I had, I found myself that I had about an hour or so to spend with one of my boys. And as you know, well, I don’t know if you know, but one at one time, even if you have two kids, one at one time is pretty special right?
With your kid, but we have four. So one at one time is a little bit rare, right? Unless we plan for it. And it’s, it is very special. It’s extra special to both of us, even. I think even when the kids get older, they’ll still find it special. So I found myself with one of my boys, one on one, and we had about an hour and I did not anticipate it. So when the time came, I kind of didn’t know what we would do. And, but what, what ended up happening is that we just hung out. We took a walk, we explored, we grabbed a snack. We looked at a funny video. We talked, we laughed. It was just so perfect and magical and not planned at all. We really both enjoyed it. And I, I mean, told my mom about it. I told husband about it.
I was like, this is, this is so sweet. So good. All right. This is what we all wish for. I think for these magical, good connection moments. And so of course, that son and that night, he said, oh mom, I really liked, you know, that time we spent together. I said, oh, me too. Let’s he goes, who can we do it again? I said, yeah, for sure. And of course I’m bearing in mind that he’s not a teenager yet. And as a teenager, he might not want to do that. That’s totally fine. Right. But he is just preteen. So that is the age, right? I’m not saying this will happen to all of you guys with who have teenagers or 20 year olds, but this, this might happen to you when they’re older, when they’re not teenagers. Right. When they do come back around and want to spend time with you or when they’re little so.
And he said, yeah, let’s do it again. I said, yeah, let’s do it. So another week passes and we have the same morning on Saturday. We drop off little guys at swimming. We drop off another guy at gymnastics and we have some time. And what ends up happening is exactly the opposite of what weeks. Right? I expect, oh, we are gonna have this beautiful time together, bonding time, connection, time talking and walking and all my favorite things. Right. And of course, and he he’s excited for it too. But what ends up happening is that our interests don’t allow, he, he doesn’t want to go for a walk and I don’t want to sit inside when it’s nice out. And so, as we, you know, we grabbed a coffee, we grabbed a little treat. We started walking down the block and it becomes really clear that he does not want to go for a walk.
And what I found in me is that I really not accepting that I was fighting it. Right. I was trying to convince him to, to go for a walk. I was even saying, okay, we’ll go. We’ll do something outside you pick wasn’t working. I tried all the approaches, nothing worked and ended up happening is that we ended up going back home, him being really upset, not getting what he wants. He wanted something that I couldn’t give him in that moment. Some excitement going some exciting place, doing something somewhere that I could not do for him. And I horse didn’t have my walking needs met. And so we’re both, he was kind of super grumpy. And I took the time to just reflect. I kind of made peace with the fact that, you know, this beautiful time is not gonna happen. And as the time went on, what ended up happening is two things.
One I realized, and I remember that life is 50 50. That means 50% of life will suck and it’s supposed to suck and it’s okay. And nothing has gone wrong. And here we go. Now what’s happening. I thought in that moment is fine. Right? That he’s upset. He doesn’t want to walk with me. I don’t want to do what he wants to do. It’s not working out and it’s totally fine. Okay. So that’s one that, that, that realization really helped me in the moment. And this is my wish for you is that you carry the 50 50 idea in your head, in your pocket. And when life sucks, you pull it out and you go, oh right. 50, 50. It’s okay. This is supposed to be happening. He’s supposed to be upset. I’m supposed to be upset. Everything’s supposed to go wrong. It’s totally fine.
Nothing has gone wrong. And my other wish for you is this not fighting? What is, I really wanted to fight him on what he wanted. I wanted to change him to want to go for a walk and I could have, I could have forced it. I could have somehow, but I could have, I would’ve probably created more of a friction and a fight, which I don’t wanna do. Right. And it would’ve ultimately not enjoyed my walk. Right. If we’re fighting. And so I really did not fight. Like once I realized once I really heard him, oh, this, he doesn’t want this. I let go. Right. I was not fight. What is, what was in that moment is him wanting to do something he wants to do not wanting to go for a walk and not wanting to do any of the other ideas I came up with and the desire to fight that was there.
I was like, I was frustrated. I was disappointed. Right. I was imagining this beautiful, a full time that we’re gonna do, we’re gonna have this magical moment. And that didn’t happen. And I was disappointed. And so of course it was really frustrating in the moment to do that, but I could have kept being upset about it. I, that could’ve, I could’ve let that ruin my morning. I could have been super disappointed. I could have made it mean that we’ll never have good moments together. Again, I could have made it mean that we have nothing in common and we’ll never have anything in common because he doesn’t want to go for a walk. And all I want, want to do is go for a walk. I could have done all that and just ruin all of my idea of us. The future. Everything’s terrible. I don’t know what to do.
He doesn’t, all he wants to do is just stuff that costs money or sit on a computer or whatever. Right. I could have done all that, but instead I heard him, I heard what is, and I let it be. And I, and I accept did it, oh, that’s just what it is. It doesn’t mean anything. If he wants to be inside, let’s go inside. Right. And what ended up happening was actually beautiful. He went in, he did his scratch project, which is kind of like coding. And I called my dad. I had a really nice chat with my dad. And then we had to back and pick up all the other kids.
And the, the two wishes from that from me for you really helped me in that moment. First, first one was the 50, 50 things are and it’s okay. And the second one is, don’t fight. What is this? Is it? And I’m gonna go with it. All right, listen to what is, because when we fight, what is, we’re going to lose every single time. And so, and the other thing I told my husband said, well, supposedly planned connection does not work. <Laugh> I had a laugh about that, right? Because we had this plan on having quality time together. And so I I think these are beautiful moments that we can connect over because coming out of that store, I really, now it really sunk into my head that he doesn’t wanna go for a walk <laugh> because before, as a mom and as a person who wants to go for a walk with her son, I was really wishing and imagining that we go for a walk and it doesn’t still mean that he’s never gonna want to go for, with me.
In fact, he’s had said that before mom let’s go around the blog, but it means that I know him better. I accept who he is on a better level, a little bit better this time than last time. And I, now that I have that information, now that I’m not denying that in my head, I can plan better. Right. I can think of like for next time, I’m not gonna expect that he will want to go for a walk and I’m not gonna judge him for it. And I’m also not gonna feel disappointed. Right? So do you see where I’m going with this not fighting? What is, it’s actually going to be very helpful? You in any situation with any other person in your life don’t fight. What is because if you do, you’re going to lose a hundred percent of the time. So if your son is older and does not want to get a job, he can be very painful to think he should get a job right now.
That would be an example of fighting. What is he? Doesn’t get a job. He should get a job that’s fighting. What is very painful. And if I could help you get, help him get a job, I would. But unfortunately we can’t. Right? We’ve tried everything. And if that’s what you are struggling over, then the best news I have for you is that you can let go of that. Struggle for yourself by accepting what is by thinking, he should not get a job. Maybe I’m wrong, right? How are you wrong? The reality always wins. So maybe you can get aligned with reality and think he should not get a job. How do I know that? Because he’s not getting a job now, we’re getting somewhere. Now you’re getting aligned with reality. It might not be the reality that you like, but that’s your choice. Whether you be upset about it or you accept it.
And the same goes for little kids, middle kids, any kids, your husband, your mom, this is what this person is doing. Don’t fight it. Right? So the same for you when you’re sick right now, I’m sick. I have to adjust for that. I have to give my body lots of breaks and I have to be okay with not doing as much, right. Not fighting. What is, okay. Now I’m rubbing the point in. So I hope you enjoyed my story. I hope you take away. These two wishes fit 50 50, and don’t fight what it’s and watch your relationships. Get that much better, because you are, have these two little secret tools in your pocket. And the, for you, these, these tools are for you to feel good, to not suffer. They’re not for the other person they’re for you. All right. I would love have to hear how they’re working for you.
Let me know. And if you need any help with that, I would love to coach you on that. Because if you don’t know what you’re struggling with, then you need to look at your thoughts, right. If you’re still stuck and you’re like, okay, I’ve tried, I’ve tried everything and you’re still stuck. Then that’s when you need somebody else, another brain to, to come in and look at your brain so they can tell you, oh, this is the place you’re stuck. And then you can get out. All right. Okay. You can do that by coming to my website and sending up for a free mini session, a www dot coaching, natalia.com and go to free mini session and just am the works for you, who will hopefully will be after I get better for my COVID should be next week. But all right, guys love you all so much. Have a.