I Am Conflicted!

I Am Conflicted!

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HOW DO I GET MORE TIME?

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A lot of you told me: “I just don’t have the time to do what I want to do”.

The first thing that will make you time is PLANNING.

Second: HONOURING YOUR PLAN.

We associate planning with obligations, doing things for other people, burnt out, over-scheduling and overwhelm.

I am here to suggest that planning when done with precision, discipline and honouring yourself can give you freedom and make you time.

The difference is this:

Say you plan an hour of work and you follow through on your plan.

You are able to do the work with such efficiency that you get it done sooner than you would have if you haven’t planned.

You are then able to give yourself a whole hour of free time because you planned and followed through with your plan.

The next thing you need to do to MAKE time is to HONOUR your plan.

Let me tell you a little bit about our brain.

It is wired for survival.

That means it has 3 goals at all times: Seek pleasure, Avoid Pain, and Conserve Energy.

So when the time comes to do what you planned your brain will for sure not want to do what you planned because it is going against it’s programming to conserve energy.

That is why our prefrontal cortex comes in very handy and helps us override that primitive brain and say “I hear you and we are still doing this”.

So first you make an appointment with yourself (work, create, exercise, not eat, eat, relax… etc.), then you make it mandatory to follow through on your plan.

NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL.

Here’s what I have noticed: when the time comes for me to do what I planned I will want to respond to how I feel in the moment.

And what I feel in the moment is always something like relaxing, watching Netflix, having coffee, avoiding any exertion.

I know that about myself and I still DO what I need to do.

The beautiful thing happens when I start doing it, I get into it and really enjoy it.

It’s almost like my brain has to have a little tantrum before we start to see if it can get out of it .

Here’s what’s important.  Every time you make plans for the life you want to live and you don’t follow through on them you keep spinning in the life you already have.

ON the other hand if you make plans and follow through on those plans you get better at overcoming your survival brain, and create the life that you want.

The survival brain never goes away.

It will always tell you to go hide in the cave, don’t do anything new, and that you will probably die.

But you do learn to manage it.

So if you can start anywhere with making time for yourself this is your first step:

Make a plan with precision, discipline and honouring yourself.  Then FOLLOW THROUGH ON THAT PLAN NO MATTER WHAT.

Next week I will talk about how the meaning we give to anything will determine how we feel.
But don’t worry guys, i will come back to time management the following week and share with you other time making strategies!

Thanks guys, have a great weekend!

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HOW DO I FIX MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY MOM?

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HELP ME, PLEASE!

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The other day I was driving the car with my 2 toddlers in the back and one of them needed help wiping his finger.

He kept asking me ‘mama wipe my finger, wipe my finger’. I explained that I’m driving and I can’t help him right now but when we stop I can help him.  He didn’t love my answer and kept asking in hopes of a different answer.

Finally something clicked in my head and I said “ Cade, can you help Cade wipe your finger?”

This brought on a big smile to his face and I really wonder what he was thinking. May be he never thought of it that way, and I don’t think I have either.

When you think of asking for help, it usually implies you will be asking somebody or something outside of you.

You never think ‘ hm, let me ask MYSELF for help’ .

But who is the one person who’s always with us all our life and knows what we need better than anyone?

US, of course.

WE can be the ones who are there to help us when we need help, when we need anything.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to feel so safe no matter where you go and what you do knowing that YOU are there for yourself.

You will make sure your needs are met.

As grown ups we already do a lot of our own care.

But I want to take this past the feeding and the sleeping!

What if you were the person to take care of your own approval, your own excitement, tantrums, your own mental and emotional needs.

You will make sure your schedule isn’t overloaded or if it is then you will find time to rest.

You messed up, no problem: you got your back, no beating yourself up.

You freaked out, so you take yourself aside and listen to everything you have to say, no exceptions.

Wouldn’t it be so fun to go through life knowing that you always, always have YOURSELF there for you?

I can already hear the arguments that it’s not healthy to not need anyone, you will become a recluse and live alone, you need to have a support network, etc. etc.

But I want to suggest that it is healthy to meet your own needs.

Imagine that when you are with your friends and family and you don’t need anything from them, you can enjoy their company so much more and also are a lot more able to meet their needs when they come up.

Lets be honest – others suck at meeting our needs! No matter how many times we tell them they still get it wrong or say the wrong thing or do it at the wrong time.

And what if they are not there?

Then what?

You got YOU.

That’s what.

Of course there’ll be times when we rely on others and that is a beautiful thing.

I am only suggesting that you make yourself your first go to person for emotional comfort.

You can do it so much better than others if you practice.

Then all that’s left to do with other people in your life is love them, and enjoy their company.

What could you take over doing for yourself that you usually get others to do for you?

And how can that feel amazing?

How would that change your relationship with that person and yourself?

Would love to read your thoughts in the comments below.

Natalia

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What if you don’t like your job?

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HOW DO I CLEAN UP THIS MESS???

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I had a chat with a friend the other day, whom I haven’t seen for a few weeks and she commented that I changed in a good way: a bit calmer, happier, lighter.
It was clear to me that what she noticed was in big part due to me cleaning up my head every single day.
Same way we tidy up the room every day: the counters get cleared, the floors are swept, the dishes are cleaned and put away, garbage is taken out.
Everything feels and looks clean, tidy and light.
That is the exact way I feel when I do a daily ‘clean up’ in my brain.
I do a thought download, a brain dump on paper, or my phone and get it OUT of my head to look at.
Once I got it all out I already feel relieved and lighter.
Then I take a look.
What do I want to keep and what is poisoning my day?
This daily process gives me perspective and a feeling of control.
 I get to decide what I want my day to contain.
Next time you make your bed in the morning or clean up the kitchen, consider what you would clean up in your head if you could walk in it as a room.
Would you keep all the thoughts in that room or would you purge and start fresh?
A few minutes writing it down can help you create enough distance between you and your thoughts to help you decide which ones you want to keep and which you don’t.
This wonderful exercise is my number one tool and I use it as needed, some days I feel so good that I don’t even think about doing it and others I definitely feel that the room got ‘messy’ and I need to tend to it.
Happy cleaning everybody!
Natalia

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WHY PLAN WHEN YOU HATE PLANNING?

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“I hate planning!” – i hear that a lot lately!

But I Love plans!!!
I love planning.
I love having a plan.
I love thinking about my plan.
I love talking about my plan!
What could be better!?

Knowing that you have a great plan and you are well taken care of in my books is up there with all the good self care activities.
Just like you would prep a lunch for yourself the night before work or make snacks and lunches for the kids the night before – you are doing that for your ‘morning’ self, when you wake up, make yourself some coffee and enjoy the relaxed pace of the morning.

The same goes with a plan. You plan ahead and when the time comes to execute you have your well thought out plan which was planned with you in mind.  Who else better do that for you than YOU!

I came up with this post right after planning all our Christmas meals and now that we are in our first week of January we are enjoying all the leftovers from the holidays, which are bountiful in our freezer, thanks to our planning!

What else can you plan?

I regularly plan on experiencing anxiety, exhaustion and judgment.
I mean that i anticipate me feeling those things despite my best efforts not to.
If i know i tend to experience these negative emotions i am not surprised and caught off guard when they happen, so i plan for how i will react to them when they happen.

Planning helps a lot with allowing them (not resisting them) and ultimately moving to a more positive experience.

For example, if you have a family member visiting and you know that some of their traits bug you then you can plan on that visitor doing exactly what they do and your reaction being annoyed.
This prepares you in a way that when does actually happen you will chuckle to yourself and say “Oh, right, i knew that would happen, here it is!”. You are at ease with them and yourself and are able to enjoy their company a lot more.
That sounds a lot better to me than being frustrated with something your guest is doing and then feeling like a bad host for feeling that way.
Try it out next time and enjoy a much more fun visit!

Would love to hear all your thoughts on plans and specifically plans on feeling certain emotions and preparing yourself in advance for them.

Does it help you ?

How does it help you?

Thanks for sharing friends!

Talk to you next week!

Natalia

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How do I make the right decision???

pablo (8)
Our large family of 6 recently attended a Christmas party at a friends house.  
It was everything a party should be: food, music, kids running around and grown ups chatting away.  
 
We really enjoyed it. So much so that I came home wondering why I don’t host as much these days.  
The wondering turned into feeling like something is wrong with me for not hosting parties and also not WANTING to host them. 
 
What is wrong with me? 
This was so fun, why wouldn’t I want to create that same experience? 
 
After a bit of self loathing i turned to my husband and asked him what he thought on the subject.
He is the best and reminded me that we have 4 little kids and hosting is a lot of work so it makes sense that we are not jumping at the first chance to host any gathering.
 
And of course he was right, i just forgot that in the middle of comparing myself with this other awesome family who is able to do that and enjoy the hosting.  
 
So, what does hosting a party have to do with making the right decision? 
 
Well, I could decide to host a party because I feel like something is wrong with me for not wanting to host a party, so I should host one and finally be normal.
 
I could host a party because I want to be just as awesome as this other family who invited us over.
I could host a party because I think some social time would do us good.
OR I could simply host a party because I really want to.
 
After being honest with myself about whether I want to entertain or not I realized that right now, in the season of life I am in right now I have no dying desire to do so (and that explains why I haven’t hosted one in a while).  
 
It then became clear to me that I was considering throwing a party for reasons that weren’t serving me.  
 
Trying to be as good as others, trying not to miss out on something, trying to be someone who I am not.  
Those are all the reason that would cause me to have a tough time enjoying the party if I decided to have one. (And wouldn’t solve the issue of feeling inadequate) 
 
And so when I make a decision I always ask ‘What is my reason for making this particular choice?’
 
Is it coming from a place of being happy with myself or is it coming out of fear or avoidance.
If I am coming from a place of being at peace with myself, without trying to avoid anything then I know that decision will serve me.  
 
When the reason is coming out of fear – I question making that choice explore other options.
Exploring the reasons always help me make the perfect decision! And even if I miss and make the wrong one, my reason behind it always helps me understand why I did what I did. 
 
So whether you are deciding something small like whether to host a party or to change career paths, I recommend asking yourself to be honest about the reasons for wanting that change. 
If you don’t like your reason it can be a great opportunity to align yourself with the reason that will bring you the results you want.  
 
Happy New Years Everyone! 
 
-Natalia 

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YOUR KIDS WILL NOT LISTEN!

 

The other day my oldest son and I were discussing his day, and he said he was cold during recess at school.
I asked him why, and he said it was because he only put on his sweater and not his winter jacket.

Instantly, I recalled myself freezing for many, many years as a child; and for no reason other than being lazy or rebelling against my parents.
I just didn’t want to bother putting on that extra layer despite knowing it would make a difference….despite my parents constantly reminding me to do so.

Now, as an adult and a parent, I’ve finally discovered the amazing feeling of being warm outside, IN THE WINTER.  It’s the best!

Of course I want to save my son from freezing, so I told him ‘save yourself from years of being cold by just listening to me, and put on all your winter clothes!”
“HUH?” Was his response.
He didn’t get it at all.
But I did.

I didn’t listen to my parents, so why should I expect him to always listen to me?
Perhaps, I should expect him NOT to listen to me.

All of a sudden I felt relieved.
The pressure was off.
He won’t listen anyway.

So the next time you find yourself frustrated, wondering why your child won’t do or not do something that is in his best interest, something that you specifically asked him to do or not do, hear my voice in your head:

“This is supposed to be happening! He should be doing exactly that! Yep. You heard me. He was never meant to do as he was told.  Everything is going exactly right!”

I do expect us all to forget this simple truth.

We WILL forget, and will get frustrated by the fact that our kids won’t listen to us.

But then we can go right ahead and remind ourselves – RIGHT!

This WAS MEANT to happen this way.

THEY were not supposed to listen, and it’s okay if they do the opposite.

SO that’s quite alright with me.
I should send this as a reminder to myself in a few years when they are getting into their teens and I REALLY need my own advice.

Until then I’m happy to be dealing with JUST a winter jacket problem! Hoping the same for you!

I would love to hear from you in the comments below!

 

Natalia

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HOW CAN I GET MORE DONE?

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