What do I know about yelling at my kids? A lot. What I feel when I yell. I feel like I need to stop whatever is happening at any cost. If it’s a screaming kid I can yell at him to stop yelling. If it’s two fighting boys I can get in there and fight with them about their fighting. I am really good at that.
Is that a person I want to be?
Have you ever found yourself feeling so irritable and jumpy that even the slightest misdoing by your kids sets you off?
Welcome to my world. Big boys – 6 and 5 and the twins are 2. Little ones are the sweetest little things and are so cute, I can just squeeze them and kiss them and show them off to every stranger who’s wiling to look. Until they start screaming for my attention. And I want to give it to them. And may be that’s the problem. The screaming gets to be too much to handle and adds to the chaos and I end up yelling.
Then there are the big boys. On my good days I do enjoy looking into their eyes and listening to their crazy explosion or war stories and looking at their amazing lego creations. I do really love them. BUT then I happen to them. I happen to myself and take some of that joy away.
“They shouldn’t be hurting each other” I think…
“They should turn the hose off when I ask them to turn the hose off…” – makes total sense to me when I think it
“They should respond to me when I talk to them…” I go again to myself
“I shouldn’t be getting upset over it…” I start on myself
“They only hear me when I yell…” now my blood starts to boil..
“Why do they do this to me ..” And right away I know I’m doing this to myself and it’s too late.
“Total disaster” I say to myself.
Heart full of disappointment and embarrassment.
After apologies and kisses I am left with myself.
‘I am worthy, 100% worthy and complete – no matter what I do’. SO my coach tells me.
How do I see that after what I have just done? That seems impossible. At first I didn’t even consider it as something that could apply to me. IF only I can stop yelling THEN I will be good enough.
But now I am slowly opening up to the possibility that I am indeed worthy at all times, regardless of what I do and don’t do (After all I was born worthy). I am opening up to seeing proof of that.
If I am worthy, then …. what?
If I don’t need to make myself better? … then what?
IF I am already perfect just as I am…
…Yelling doesn’t have to mean that I am failing, broken, wrong or a horrible mother …. it could mean something less dramatic…
I’ve decided to make it mean that I am learning to accept myself and the world AS is. Right now I am fighting it with my YELLING. But what If I just let it be?
What if I let ME be me without any ‘shoulds’? Then may be I can let the world around me just – be.
Wouldn’t that feel good?
Are you letting yourself just be?