A positive mindset all of the time is not the goal.

And you should not.  You are not robot, you are not a robot, you DO want to be frustrated when your kid does something he wasn’t supposed to do.  You don’t want to be happy about everything.  We forget that and our brain tells us we want to feel good all the time.  That type of thinking causes a lot of disappointment and shame and guilt.  Listen to this episode to explore this idea of welcoming ALL of life including the negative 50%.
You can sign up for a your free session here https://coachingnatalia.com/schedule-an-appointment/ .   


Welcome to my stop fighting with your son podcast. If this is your first time here, I recorded four episodes, especially for you to help you eliminate the fights right away and start connecting with your boy. As, as possible, go to episodes 54 through 59. I have four boys on my own, and I know better than anyone, how much you want to have a good relationship with your boy and all the things that can come in your way. If you are a mom of boys, I am the coach for you. Let’s go, Hey, go eyes. How is everyone doing today? I hope your kids are healthy and at school because one of mine is home and he’s coughing a lot. I haven’t tested him yet. I will test him maybe after this for COVID, but he’s pretty sick. So I want to record this while he’s watching a show for all of you as this message, I think will help everyone.

And I think this is the sort of message that we need to be reminded of regularly. The reason why I’m saying this is because I have often been coached on this myself, and I’ve coached a lot of my clients on this. And this message is that we’re not supposed to feel good and be happy all of the time. We’re not a lot of my clients come to me and they say, ah, my son was not listening. And he was doing this and I was yelling at him and I don’t want to be yelling at him. I should feel good. I should be happy. Nice mom, really do. You really want to be a happy, nice mom. When your son is not listening or getting into stuff or talking back to you or not doing what you asked him to do, do you really, really want to feel good about it?

And the answer is no, right? We don’t want to be happy about it because if we were happy about it, we would be a robot. We would be a psychopath. We would not be human, right. That is just first of all, it’s not possible. And also you would be crazy, right? We, we don’t want our kids to think that we’re a crazy mom and that would make us crazy. We would be like, oh, this is so lovely. He’s just so sweet. Right? We would not be an efficient parent. If we were happy with everything they were doing, we would let them get away with everything. So we don’t want to be happy about everything like this morning, I was taking my kids to school and lately I have been frustrated and annoyed at all at them fighting between themselves. And as I was thinking of recording this podcast for you guys, I realized I do want to be frustrated because they are fighting.

I don’t want to be just happy about it. Um, but I do maybe want to allow that frustration and maybe put some other thoughts in place there. Um, that will serve me better. Like, um, they’ll figure it out. I trust that they, um, will figure out how to treat each other by, um, I can teach them by an example. Right? Thoughts like that. So this, uh, I had a conversation with my client that actually inspired this episode. And she said that she didn’t believe that she could achieve the results that wanted to achieve, like, feel like a good mom. Feel like she she’s doing a good job. Feel like she’s not crazy. She’s uh, has a good relationship with her kids and she’s doing a good job. She didn’t think she could achieve that before she started working with me and I asked her why.

And one of the reasons was that she said that she didn’t, she thought, oh, in order for me to achieve that, I have to sustain a positive mindset all day, every day. And she didn’t feel like she could do that. So she then therefore didn’t try to, to do anything. And so that’s where our mind, our brain is wrong. It thinks that we should, like, we know about thought work, right? If you’ve been listening to my podcast for a while, we know that we can change how we experience things through our thoughts. So then we think, okay, we need to think positive thoughts all the time. And that’s where we shoot ourselves in the leg because it’s just not true. You should not try to think positive thoughts when somebody dies. Do you want to think PO positive thoughts? No. You will want to experience the sadness and the grief and the loss.

Right? The same thing with our kids is that we don’t want to feel happy about certain things that they do. And so, uh, and then I asked my client, okay, knowing now that it’s not a goal that we want to attain is feel positive all the time. How do you want to approach the 50, 50 reality of your life? 50% being a negative emotion and 50% being positive. And I asked her that question and she came up with a beautiful response that I want to read to you today. She said that she said, okay, I’ve been thinking a lot about the 50 50. And here’s how I, what I came up with. It’s okay. And normal to feel mad when they do something bad or dangerous, it’s okay to feel discouraged and frustrated when they don’t listen. It’s okay to be bored when they want to play again, a game that I don’t like by the way, did you know?

You can just say, no, you can just say, no, mama doesn’t want to play this game. You guys play. And I will do something else with you. Right. But it is okay to feel bored. Right? Of course. You’re going to feel bored when you’re playing a game. You don’t want to play. It’s okay. To feel guilty when I let them watch TV. It’s okay. It’s okay to feel exasperated when they’re both whining at the same time. It’s okay to feel powerless when they get sick again. Well, just like I did this morning with my kid, it’s okay to feel sad and worried when they get rejected by other kids or situations.

It’s okay to feel stressed when I take them out to places with a lot of cars. And I’m sure we can go on and on and talk about these, uh, different examples of negative. But I think she, she put it in such a beautiful way that it’s okay to feel mad and discouraged and bored and guilty and exasperated and sad and stressed. This is your negative 50% of your life that you, if you allow it and embrace it, and if you expect it to be there, then your goal of feeling like a good mom of feeling like you are having a good relationship with your son is much more attainable. It’s it’s in. You can already live it today because when you are in that goal, you will still experience all these things and it’s human and it’s normal. And if you are okay with all of these emotions, then you can, um, not beat yourself up about them and not make them mean anything about you.

You don’t have to make them mean that you’re a bad mom. You don’t have to make them mean that you’re crazy. You don’t have to make it mean that you have a bad relationship with your kids. Doesn’t mean anything. The only thing it means is that you’re human and you expect it to be there, right? And when you yell at your kids, you can be understanding that. Of course, I yelled at them because I felt frustrated and stuck. Right. And when you get coached and you work with me, then we work on the underlying issue. Okay. What is it that you were not, um, getting? What is it that you needed that day that you didn’t get that made you yell? And then you solve that. But if you do just yell and you are frustrated, you can also just accept that you are being human and not making mean anything bad about you.

That creates unnecessary shame and guilt. And the other positive, 50% of your life, um, can be many different shades of everything. And I’m just gonna read you a couple things that she added to the list and that I added to the list. So the positive 50, um, feeling proud and amazed when I see them make progress and, um, feeling so much love when they say and do nice things, feeling joy, they play and laugh together, feeling so relieved when they finally fall asleep or go to school, we, it can all relate to that. Right? And, uh, some of the other positive things that I added are feeling like a good mama. When you power through a big day, took them outside, fed them, put them to sleep, and they’re in bed, right? Just like the simple, basic things that are hard with little kids. And you can feel like a good mom when you’ve done them feeling, you are feeling like you are living your best mom job day.

When you just had a nice talk with your son and he asked good questions and you answer them. Now that one on one time is so priceless. And I really do think it’s important. Feeling like a good wife when your husband is tired and you did more than him, so he can rest. How many of us would love to get to that place? That where we are not resentful, where we truly are happy to do more and help him out more, that is totally available to you. And I, I really invite you to explore that. And if you have struggle, come, come talk to me. I can help you feeling excited, switching out their clothes for a bigger size, right? Those are such good, positive emotions, feeling so happy and excited planning their birthday parties. That was just me a couple weeks ago. And I have another coming up from my middle son.

Uh, I love planning them, feeling pure joy, seeing them ski for the first time and start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. And the days when you can ski together, right? When you have kids little kids for a long time, and you can do most of the grown up things that you used to do. And finally, you see them doing something that you like doing like biking or skiing or going places. You start get, you feel like you’re getting your life back and now you can share it with your kids, right? Feeling that joy, um, feeling fun or joy or excited when you see them enjoy the same things as you like, like I just mentioned the cafe or tennis, Mo movies, biking, skiing, traveling, feeling proud of your hard work and their maturity when they unload dishwashers, without even asking you, asking them now that is definitely a result of hard work and that can happen.

It totally did for us. So I want to encourage you to picture that and work towards that if that’s what you want, it’s possible. Um, so we can go on and on. But I think that you, if you could start collecting the, the examples from your life of the 50 50, that is your life and make space for the negative 50%. And remember don’t make it, don’t use it against yourself, of the feelings of even the feelings of shame and guilt. They are just signs that you’re human. There are not necessary. They’re completely optional. And I do encourage you to get a coach to, to not feel them because you don’t need to, but feelings like, um, frustration and anger and disappointment are part of our life that we probably want. We want to welcome and will be there. And it’s, you’re supposed to feel them.

You’re not supposed to feel good all the time. And that is not the goal. The goal is to, um, feel like you, you are, you’ve got this. Like you’re doing a good job, even though you are disappointed, even though you’re frustrated, even though you just had a fight with your son, like that is the end goal. When I, um, coach you, or when you reach that point where you want to be with your relationship with your son, it does not mean you will eliminate all the fights. It does not mean that you will feel happy all the time. No. What the, the difference will be is that you will eliminate most of the fighting. You feel you will feel a lot better about yourself and your son, but it doesn’t mean that you’ll eliminate all of it. You’ll still have fun. You’ll still feel all the negative feelings.

It’s just that you’re not going to make them mean anything bad about you or your son. Whereas now you are right. If you are, if it’s a problem for you, if you have a problem with your son and relationship and everything, you are using all that against yourself, you’re walking away from a fight and making it mean that you’re a bad mom, or you did it wrong, or that your son is difficult or on and on and on. And the difference is that you will not do that once you work with me, once you get coached, once you really picture that end result for yourself, those things won’t be there. Okay. Thank you so much for listening. I invite you to come get coached so that you can clarify that vision for yourself, of what it would it be like for you and your son to create that life like that.

What is the end goal that you want to achieve here? Right? If you are fighting and you want to stop, what’s the opposite of that. And I have a lot of suggestions for you, but I do want you to explore what it would be like for you and what that look like in your daily life. Would that mean that you just have a nice conversation with him and you walk away feeling proud, uh, would that mean that you get to hang out more with him? Would that mean that, um, you are supportive and remember you can’t control him or what he does. So if you want to put into your result, outline that he, it changes how he acts. You can’t really do that. Cause you, you are not him. You can’t control what he does, what he thinks, what he feels. So you can only do that for you.

And that’s, that’s my best news for you is that you can still change your relationship with your son, regardless of what he does or says. So if you have trouble imagining that, please come talk to me. And I want to, I want to explore that with you so that you can experience that really good relationship regardless of your son, totally independent. He doesn’t even have to come to any sessions and it will be the best life changing gift you give to yourself by just doing this work and not depending on him, on how you feel. All right, you can do that by just going to my website at www dot coaching, natalia.com and go to the tab, says, sign up for a free session. It’s the first session’s completely free. And we just get on the zoom and we talk and you tell me everything about you and your son. And if you are enjoying finding these episodes helpful, please share them with, with everyone else who you think might benefit. I would really appreciate it. And I do hope that this, uh, episode finds everyone, its to okay guys,

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