There is NO THERE!

There is NO THERE!

It won’t be any better THERE.

Once I get that promotion I can relax.

Once I find a spouse then everything will be okay.

Once I stop loosing my shit with the kids then I can really take care of myself.

Once I make money then I can have the life that I want.

Once I am thiner I will be truly happy.

Has that actually every come true for anyone?

DO you know anyone who told you that once they did that thing all of their problems were solved?

I haven’t.  They solved that problem, and got 10 new ones.

Those are such lies we tell ourselves that rob us of what we can do for ourselves now.

THERE IS NO THERE.  

There is no THERE where you get to and it will all magically be great.

Once you find a spouse, your one problem will be solved but you will have a million new problems.

Once you get that promotion, you will celebrate for that second, hour or even an evening and then your brain will start wanting more.

Nothing gets better.  Your problems change but it still stays 50% positive and 50% negative – HERE OR THERE.

So once it truly sinks in that it WON’T bet better once this thing happens – then what? What does the mean for you now?

Picture yourself, as you are right now and then just add on that thing that you are desiring. That’s it – that’s what it will look like for you once you get it.
Your brain and thoughts and feelings will be the same.

So what can you start doing now and not waiting for that thing to arrive?

If you are still doubting what I’m saying – go back to the last time you wanted something and thought everything will be so much better once you got it – did everything change once you got it?

After the excitement and novelty wore off?

What was left?

Was that promotion just a trap for more responsibility?

Was being married not all that you expected?

This is good news you guys, because you don’t have to wait for anything or anyone to start feeling in control now, to start feeling better TODAY.

I just self coached myself and am in the THERE, because there is no there, there is only here, so I just combined the two.

Did I confuse you? Good:)

Happy Friday ya’ll!

Natalia

P.S. Don’t believe me? Want to challenge this concept?  I say bring it, I love it when people sincerely question what I teach.  What if scheduling a chat with me could change your life forever? It happened for me when I first reached out to my coach, so what are you waiting for ? It’s just a chat! Looking forward to hearing from you!

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Pain is not a problem.

What? I wish my coach told me that last weekend. I have been struggling with the headache for a while now.
But to be honest it is a lot easier when we stop fighting the pain and stop avoiding it and resisting it.
Whether it is your head or your emotional pain over your relationship with your son.
The pain is there to tell us something.
May be that area in your life needs some attention or may be you need some attention from you.
Whatever it is it is there with the purpose.
What pain do you have?
I am here for your relationship pain.
I will take care of you when you bring it to me.
If that is you and you think your pain IS a problem message me back and we can talk about how I can help you.
P.S.  Distracting yourself from the pain doesn’t take the pain away, it just shows up later.  Are you there in the ‘later’ now? If you are and you have found that the pain has not gone away I invite you to bring it all to me and we can look at it together. It’ll be fun I promise. Even with the pain:)

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When your kid says….

When your kids says “he told me that I am stupid and now I have the worst day ever…” What do I do?

I used to hear that and I would instantly want to help, make them feel better, teach them a lesson, etc etc etc! (All so I could feel better by not hearing them complain about it).
So I would say “why are you choosing to think that?” Which just annoyed them.
I would rush them to choose better thoughts for themselves “what else could you think about you?”
Which would of course just keep them stuck in their current thoughts even longer and we would get nowhere. 
 
You see when I felt rushed to make them feel better I was only doing that so that I can feel better because I felt bad when they felt bad.
 Which is essentially me believing the same thing they are believing: that something outside of us makes us feel bad. 
 
Now when my kids share with me something that bothers them I don’t have that rushed feeling anymore.   
 
I remember that my kids are supposed to suffer half of the time because that is part of life. 
I listen to them and recognize that there is nothing going wrong here, they are just thinking a thought that makes them feel bad. 
That’s it. 
They don’t need to be rescued and they don’t need to feel better.  
This feeling they are having is harmless and is part of human nature.
 
If I am coming form a peaceful place like that I don’t have an agenda of my own, I have no desire for them to understand the model or change their thoughts. 
 
I simply get curious about what they are actually thinking.
And I ask them.
When they said that you are stupid, what did you think? 
 
He might say ‘it made me feel bad’. Then I would say ‘why did it make you feel bad?’
 
Then he might say something like “I don’t want to be stupid”.
 
I would ask ‘do you think you are stupid?”
 
He would say ‘no’ or ‘yes’ .and I would keep asking him why he thinks what he thinks.
 
I also ask ‘is that true?’? Are there times when you are not stupid? 
 
How does it feel when you think ‘I’m stupid’?
 
What do you want to think about you?
 
The whole time when I’m having this conversation I am simply being curious and compassionate about him and his thoughts. 
That’s it. 
No agenda of them changing. 
Because we are all humans with thoughts.  
Some of them serve us and some of them don’t.
By being curious about them we uncover them and look at them and sometimes thats all it takes to stop believing them. 
 
So be curious with your own thoughts and your kids thoughts.
 And when your kid feels bad don’t sound the alarm.
They are just having a thought.
 Nothing has gone wrong. 
Hope this was helpful!
 
Natalia 

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Action Despite Negative Emotion

In other words do it anyway, when you least feel like it.

I didn’t feel like going for a workout today but i did.

This message is simple but so powerful if executed every day on a lot of small actions.

Here are a few of mine that i don’t feel like doing and do them every day:

manage my brain
brush my teeth
5 downward dogs
lie down to talk to my kids at bed time

here is what i have as a result:

amazing life
clean teeth
flexible body
connection with my kids

Sometimes i reeeeeaaaaallly don’t feel like doing them.

And i almost don’t it.

But i still do.

So, it’s Friday and it’s really east not do something today.

But just do it, because you can.

Happy Friday guys!

Natalia

P.S. The weekend is almost here and it usually means more time with our kids.  It also is a time when we are reminded the most that we still haven’t figured out the approach to them.  If you haven’t reached out to me yet and are thinking about it, what are you waiting for? You could be going into the weekend excited about the possibility that you can end the struggle with your kid.  And that can simply happen after emailing me back and admitting that ‘yes, that’s me, i am struggling, i’d like to talk’.  You are one email away from feeling proud of yourself going into the weekend.  Take action now, even if you don’t feel like it. Because you’re worth it.

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AM I THE RIGHT COACH FOR YOU?

What specifically do you help with? I get this question a lot and so I decided to share that here with you.

I can help you if you:

  • Are struggling in a relationship with your kid/parent/spouse/sibling/close one.

 

  • You tried everything but nothing works and you are feeling sad and hopeless whenever you think about your relationship with that person.

 

  • You love that person so much it brings you to tears when you think about how mean you are to them.

 

  • You want more than anything to show love to that person but haven’t had success with it yet.

 

  • The way your struggle shows up for you is that you are mean to that person, whether it is subtle judgements that you don’t share with them, or it is full blown fights and yelling and everything in between.

 

  • Finally you suspect it has something to do with your relationship with yourself because you notice that you are also very harsh on yourself. 

I feel very passionately about helping YOU if the above describes you and what you are going through.

I invite you to email me or direct message me wherever you see this message and schedule a call with me where we can talk about what is going on for you right now and whether or not I can help you.

Love you all,

Natalia

P.S.  If this resonates with you and you had the urge to email me back but decided to ‘do it later’ or ‘think about it’  i want you to notice that urge and hear it as if your kid was asking for a hug.  Would you tell your kid you will hug them later or drop everything and give them a hug now.  This is exactly what it’s like when YOU are asking yourself to do something for you.  You can either move towards yourself or tell yourself ‘you don’t matter, i’ll hug you later’.  This is your first conscious chance to HEAR yourself and give that hug.

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SHAME IS OPTIONAL!

Shame is an option.
Here’s how it plays out.
You can either hide and pretend that everything is fine after having a rough morning with the kids but inside you are crying.
You are so ashamed of your own behaviour that you can’t possibly imagine sharing it with anyone.
The extent to how much you lost it on them is so embarrassing and for sure something is wrong with you because you just can’t seem to break the cycle.
Shame doesn’t come from yelling, it comes from making it mean that something is wrong with you because you yell.  
 
If the problem is inherently in YOU then there’s nothing you can do about it.
There is no growth, no change that comes from shame, there’s just more of the same.
Another way of looking at it is that there’s nothing wrong with YOU, it is simply your actions that you messed up with.
YOU are still a good mom.
SO, if you are still a good mom and the problem is your actions, then is that a problem that you can solve?
DO you notice a shift in openness to solutions if the problem is NOT YOU?
Shame is an optional feeling.  You don’t have to think and believe that something is wrong with you.
You could stop believing that today! Did you know that?
You have full permission to believe ANYTHING you want to believe. Nobody can stop you.
P.S. What if I’m right on this one? What if this COULD really work? What if you are sick of hating yourself and are ready to do this for you? This is what I do, I work with moms who think something is wrong with them and I help them get unstuck.  Forward this to a mom who needs to hear this or email me back if you are stuck and believe you are a lost cause.

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Saying goodbye to what you expected

Sometimes you have to say goodbye to ideas in your head.
“I expected it to to be different.”
“This is NOT what I imagined for myself.”
“I am not happy with how things turned out.”
This whole idea of what it should have been is causing you pain right now.
Come back to the way things are right now and say goodbye to the way you wish them to be.
Whatever is done is perfect as is.
How do we know that?
Because it happened that way. 
We can’t change it.
But we can accept that that is what happened and this is our life NOW.
Saying goodbye is sometimes unconventional like that.
You can say goodbye to your idea of how your life was supposed to turn out.
That will be the best thing you ever do for yourself.
Natalia
P.S.  I am all for giving yourself the best and so I invite you to email me back and do something amazing for yourself: stop feeling sorry for yourself and start getting what you want TODAY.  What if it’s not this huge impossible thing but a series of actions that start with an email back to me.

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What is our husband really there for?

Our Manual for other people.

Lets take your spouse for example.

In your mind right now there is a list of things that you have that you would like him to do or the way you want him to be.

For example:

Put away the dishes.
Remember our anniversary.
Come to bed the same time I go to bed so we can snuggle and go to sleep together.
Defend me when someone says something not nice about me.
Etc.

We all have things like that.

We call it the ‘manual’ for how they should behave.

The manual simply describes how they should live their life according to our beliefs.

We do that because we believe that if they do those things we then will be happy, content, or at least things are normal and how they ‘should be’.

What really ends up happening is we are putting the responsibility for us feeling good ON our husband.

IF he DOESN’T do them then we don’t get to feel a certain way.

If that is true then OUR only way to control how we feel is to control what our husband does.

Does that work?

Not well.

Even when he DOES exactly what we like him to do the reason we feel good is NOT because of what he did but because of the THOUGHT we get to think when he does that thing.

He Puts away dishes. 
You think: oh good, he’s pitching in. 
You feel: satisfied.

So you are still the one creating that feeling for yourself. NOT your husband.

When we take FULL responsibility for creating OUR FEELINGS WITH OUR THOUGHTS and truly understand that our spouse has nothing to do with them, only then we can truly begin to enjoy our spouse WITHOUT ever needing anything from them.

The only job that your spouse has is to be there so you can love them.

That’s it.

You are responsible for how you feel, not your spouse.

What is the point of having a husband then?

To love them. To enjoy their company, to have fun together, to grow and experience life together.

He is not there to make you feel good.

I know this is a radical concept and we are taught to believe the opposite.

We are taught that we need ‘support’ networks and people who bring us up and make us feel good, etc.

All that does is just support the same idea, that other people are responsible for our feelings.
If that is true then we are screwed, because we can’t control what other people do! 

They can never be responsible for your feelings.
Only you can be creating your feelings with your thoughts.

They cannot create your thoughts for you and therefore they never ever make you feel good or bad.

Happy Friday ya’ll!

Natalia

P.S.  Is your manual getting in the way between you and your husband? this can end today.  All you have to do is recognize you have a manual, drop it as much as you can and then choose to be responsible for your own feelings, good or bad.
OH and fail a lot at doing all of the above.
That is the price for loving unconditionally, failing over and over again and learning how to do it better each time. I can be there for you when you fail and help you not quit on yourself.  Because you are worth it. Agree? Email me back if you agree.

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Mom miracles

I coach my mom every week.

She lives in Toronto and I live in Calgary.

Sometimes I call her every day and we chat.

We chat about our bad days and good days, business failures and wins and once in a while we chat about the kids.

We cry sometimes and we laugh a lot… at ourselves.

My mom and dad are coming this weekend for a short visit.

My mom loves shows so I got tickets for this weekends kids show.

I have the whole weekend planned.

I’m excited.

P.S. struggling with your mom? I’ve been there and that’s why i’m the best person to help. Miracles do happen and no it’s not your mother changing.  Ready to be that change for the both of you? Simply email back and we can talk.

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What’s is it that you want right NOW?

What’s bugging you RIGHT NOW?

Right now, right before you opened this post you were thinking about something in your life that is bugging you.
You may not have even realized it but felt this subtle, lingering feeling that is just there in the background.

It is not a great feeling, it feels a bit heavy and a bit hopeless, unfiguroutable.
It’s like an itch waiting to be scratched.
I bet as I say this you already know exactly what that is for YOU.

I am here to speak to that feeling.

That feeling is an indicator of something that you want in life and either don’t know how to get it for yourself or don’t believe you can get it.

Which one is it for you?

Is it the how or the belief in yourself? •
What do you wish were different TODAY? ( except for the snow, for those who are here in Calgary)

What is it that if you were to figure out TODAY would get you excited?
What if I told you that is POSSIBLE for you TODAY, not tomorrow but TODAY!?!!!!!
What if the only thing you need to do right now is start that conversation with yourself about what it is that you want.
What if that background feeling is actually ruining your day and you just can’t put your finger on it.

I can help you figure out your HOW or help you get over your disbelief in yourself.
Whichever it is, it is all DOABLE.
Are you ready to GO GET IT?
If you are I invite you to schedule a free mini session with me where we can focus both of our brains on YOU and YOUR LIFE and really change that background music for you.
You can do so by emailing me at natalia@coachingnatalia.com and we can set up a time!
P.S. I know what you’re thinking, ‘oh it’s just Natalia doing her business, blah blah blah. ‘ But what if that is just your brain trying to keep you safe, in the cave, not doing anything new and scary. Nothing wrong with that,……………… unless of course you are tired of the cave and want more:) What if ………………..I can actually help you?

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