Archive September 2018

Kids vs Thoughts about Kids

One day this summer we were hanging out outside in the heat, kids playing, Doug and I talking.
Doug says: “that kid just loooves the heat!” – referring to our eldest.

I could not disagree more, I turned to him in shock and made sure we were talking about the same kid.  We were.

In my mind Tyler likes to be cool, him and I usually talk about how hot it is and how we prefer to be cool instead.

How can that be?  The same kid – two totally opposite opinions about him.

Wasn’t my husband just stating the TRUTH?

When we say ‘Tyler loves the heat’ – it feels to us like we are simply conveying the facts.  It’s true you would say.  He does love the heat. It’s not just my opinion, its’ the truth.

If it was absolutely, 100 percent true then wouldn’t everyone agree on it?

If thoughts aren’t the TRUTH – they are optional.

And so the thought – “Tyler loves the heat” is only that – a thought.

It’s not the absolute truth.  It is a sentence in your mind.

That is the only way it is possible for my husband and I to have two completely different thoughts about the exact same child.
Isn’t it crazy! The person in discussion doesn’t change.  The child stays the same the whole time.
What’s different is what we THINK in our heads about that child.    

So when we realize that the thoughts about our child are not the same as who the child is, it’s just a story we tell ourselves about them – then we can consciously choose the STORY that serves us!

IMG_5411

Recently I’ve had amazing success with my middle child, changing my story about him and I.  I don’t always remember this trick but I do use this as a tool whenever I feel stuck or feel my relationships wilting.

I ask myself:

What am I thinking about this boy?

Is what I’m thinking absolutely true?

Why am I choosing to think that way about him?

Does it serve me?

Your thoughts about your kids are sentences in your head.  That’s it.

They are always optional.

It’s way easier to change your sentence than to try to change the kid. It actually never works.

Are you happy with what you are thinking about your kids?
If not, you can always change your sentence!

Natalia S.

Marriage isn’t for wimps!

Years ago i read an article by Rachel Balducci on the topic of marriage.

Essentially she said the key to a happy marriage is asking yourself this one question every day :
“What can i do for my husband today?”

IMG_6024At first i completely disagreed with her.  Back then i was still figuring out how to take care of my needs and what those needs are.  So my first reaction to this was – no way, you have to take care of you, and by doing that you’ll take care of him.

Since then i have filled in some gaps.  I now know so much more about my own needs and how i can fulfil them.  This makes it so much easier to ask the question about my husband.
I got me – now i can be there for him.

The questions is great on any day.  But it’s best on the worst kind of days.
It saved me so many times from little and big fights.
What can i do for him now – when i think that i automatically accept the reality – ‘of course he’s tired’, ‘of course, he’s grumpy’. I don’t argue with it.
I say – yep, he’s grumpy.
NOW WHAT?
What can i do for him now?

Of course, you say, that’s what a loving spouse should always do.
And i agree.
But can you still do that when you, yourself are tired or are yelling at the kids.
Can you, in the midst of your own chaos, notice your husbands tired eyes and switch your brain to think about him and how you can serve him at that moment, instead of getting mad at him for not thinking of you.
That is the best part ever.
If you can master that – be there for him when you are at your lowest – then you are solid.

Instead of “why is he grumpy again, i’ve had a bad day and i wish he would ask me how i’m doing… he should be in a good mood and taking care of me!” – where does that lead us?
Resentment, fighting, withdrawal. – No, thanks. I say.

We’ve just celebrated 8 years of being married with a fancy dinner and a laugh at the  comedy club.
Is it easy to stay married?
No, it’s hard at times.
And other times it totally pays off  – all the work we’ve put in over the years. But hard is good, the more we put in the more we feel the results. So cheers to all you hard working couples out there!

Try on that question and see the energy shift in your favour!

-Natalia S.

Tags, , , , , , , , ,

Self Care in my 30’s.

pablo (1)

What self care looked like in my 20s:

Manicure
Pedicure
Shopping with mom
Movie

Self Care in my 30s

DON’T BEAT YOURSELF UP.

That’s it.

Any other item I came up with was just another version of that.

Watching your inner dialog and not allowing disrespect or criticism.

Not dwelling on something stupid you did or said.

Gentle dialog and expectations with yourself, especially when you are sick or tired.

Don’t compare yourself with someone else in a way that doesn’t serve you.

Beating yourself up is a big one.  I find I do it quite often and about a lot of different things.  SO just noticing when I’m doing it is already a type of self care in my eyes.  

The topic of self care came up as a discussion I had with my coach.  The problem is the way I show up in my family when I’m tired or sick.  I’m not the nicest person with my kids or husband.  Which means I’m not nice to myself either.

I don’t like feeling anything less than a 100 percent, I’ve discovered. I actually get mad at myself whenever I feel off.  And that is very, very bad self care – apperantly.  

I wouldn’t get mad at my kid or a friend for being tired or sick.  But I get angry with myself!  Does that make any sense? Nope.  That’s my brain saying:

“ You have 4 kids and a house and a million things to do – how dare you be sick!
Snap out of it.
Now I have to take care of you too!???
No way.
Not happening.
You are fired”.

I am able to move past this point with my self coaching.  I hear that thought and move on to – “Okay, how can I take care of myself and still keep up with my jobs?”  And my brain is pretty good at coming up with solutions.

What does your brain come up with when you ask it to take care of yourself?

Does it offer excuses or solutions?  You get to make the final pick!

Natalia S.

Tags, , , , ,

Licking isn’t always gross!

We are at a wedding and my son is licking the side of my arm during dinner.  I turn to my brother in law, who’s sitting across from me, and make a disgusted face referring to the licking going on at the moment.  My brother in law casually states that that’s just how he shows his affection.  

IMG_6025.jpg

Really? I think.  Is that why he’s licking me??? 

I did not see that at all!   Seems so obvious now.
How is that even possible, I wonder now, but that is besides the point.  

The point is – a change of perspective is a miracle. (A quote I recently heard)

My sons licking before my ‘aha moment’ was so annoying and disgusting!  

All I tried to do is to get him to stop licking my arm and he wouldn’t stop.  

The reason I call my change of view a miracle is because of how dramatic the shift was in me when it happened.  

I went from seeing my son as this little person who is trying to make my life more difficult.

TO feeling loved.

My son who’s licking me – actually loves me so much that the only way he knows to express this one and only love for his mom is through licking.  He has no intentions of annoying.  

I went from feeling annoyed to feeling grateful and loving.  

All within seconds.  

Nothing else has changed.  

He was still licking me.  

I was still me and he was still him.  

That sure felt like a miracle to me!

A lot of my self coaching revolves a lot around my perspective and changing it in case I’m not happy with the results.  So you can imagine how happy I was to get such an amazing result of appreciating my son without much effort.  Don’t you wish everything that easy?

So, licking isn’t always gross is what I’ve learned.  Now I kind of like the licking.

pablo

P.S.

This morning when I gave my husband a quick summary of my post his reaction was this: “you sound like a crazy person”. (He thought I am crazy for not realizing the reason for the licking)  Which of course made me laugh.  But it also proved my point even more: sometimes we live so deeply inside our own world and how we see it – we don’t see what’s obvious to others.

Tags, , , , , , , ,