So for my second post I decided to write about anxiety. Heavy topic – I know. Yet still here we go. As soon as I committed to this topic I started having doubts.
What do I really know about anxiety?
What if I don’t really know what to write about it?
What if nobody wants to hear what I think about it?
What if I shouldn’t be writing about anxiety? May be I should pick a different topic…?
Doubt, after doubt. Worry, after worry. Same thoughts spinning in my head over and over again.
I found myself with this heavy, nagging feeling that something was wrong. Something was wrong with me or my ideas. What was that feeling? Of course I was anxious about writing about anxiety. The irony didn’t go to waste on me and now I have an intro.
But seriously though – Anxiety is no joke.
About 6 years ago when I first had my first 2 sons I found myself in the doctors office.
“It’s strange” I said to him, “but every time nap comes around I am running to the bathroom more often than usual”
“How am I supposed to fit in cleaning, cooking, me time, errands, workouts and other stuff into that 1,5 hour while kids are napping?”
“I’d like to enjoy that break but instead I am miserable and can’t decide what I should do with that precious window of time.”
My doctor replied: “Would you like me to talk to someone about your anxiety?”
“Who, me?” I thought – “I have anxiety?”.
That’s was my first introduction to anxiety.
Now I notice that my anxiety revolves a lot around making perfect decisions. Mostly it’s decisions that don’t have any real consequences. Like – which playground to go to with the kids this morning? What errand should I do with the twins today? And then I start debating between the 2 imperfect options in my head. I am so afraid to make the wrong choice I spend ALL morning obsessing over it and not deciding. It is draining.
Sometimes I get worked up about more consequential stuff like loosing my children or my husband. I’ve decided that when that happens it means I’m exhausted and I need to go to bed (these thoughts usually visit me in the evening when I am spent). That works for me every time. I learned to not give in to these thoughts and just see the big picture. I need sleep so I go to bed. 
It is true – there are people out there who are debilitated with anxiety. It gives me comfort knowing that there are also people out there who have overcome debilitating anxiety and can guide those who are stuck. I am not one of them. But I have my own baggage. And happy to share it with all of you here.
So back to the small stuff that I obsess about. What works for me when I notice my mind spinning and dwelling about a perfect decision for that third hour that morning – I make myself choose. It is so hard as my brain starts freaking out even more. I have to remind myself – it doesn’t matter which one I pick. Just pick one. Whatever I pick will be perfect. The illusion of one of them being better than the other sucks me in every time. It simply is not true.
Whatever I choose to do – will be perfect – because I chose it.
Anxiety – you are what my brain does when unsupervised. But I’m watching over you more and more so I’m no longer afraid.
