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To Yell or not to Yell?

IMG_5351What do I know about yelling at my kids? A lot.  What I feel when I yell.   I feel like I need to stop whatever is happening at any cost.  If it’s a screaming kid I can yell at him to stop yelling.  If it’s two fighting boys I can get in there and fight with them about their fighting. I am really good at that.  

Is that a person I want to be?
Definitely not.

Have you ever found yourself feeling so irritable and jumpy that even the slightest misdoing by your kids sets you off?

Welcome to my world.  Big boys – 6 and 5 and the twins are 2.  Little ones are the sweetest little things and are so cute, I can just squeeze them and kiss them and show them off to every stranger who’s wiling to look.  Until they start screaming for my attention.  And I want to give it to them.   And may be that’s the problem.  The screaming gets to be too much to handle and adds to the chaos and I end up yelling.

Then there are the big boys.  On my good days I do enjoy looking into their eyes and listening to their crazy explosion or war stories and looking at their amazing lego creations.  I do really love them.  BUT then I happen to them.  I happen to myself and take some of that joy away.  

“They shouldn’t be hurting each other” I think…
“They should turn the hose off when I ask them to turn the hose off…” – makes total sense to me when I think it
“They should respond to me when I talk to them…” I go again to myself
“I shouldn’t be getting upset over it…” I start on myself
“They only hear me when I yell…” now my blood starts to boil..
“Why do they do this to me ..”  And right away I know I’m doing this to myself and it’s too late.  

I
Just
Yelled.

“Total disaster” I say to myself.
Heart full of disappointment and embarrassment.  

After apologies and kisses I am left with myself.  

‘I am worthy, 100% worthy and complete – no matter what I do’. SO my coach tells me.  

How do I see that after what I have just done?   That seems impossible.  At first I didn’t even consider it as something that could apply to me.  IF only I can stop yelling THEN I will be good enough.  

But now I am slowly opening up to the possibility that I am indeed worthy at all times, regardless of what I do and don’t do (After all I was born worthy).  I am opening up to seeing proof of that.  

If I am worthy, then …. what? 

If I don’t need to make myself better? … then what? 

IF I am already perfect just as I am… 

THEN

…Yelling doesn’t have to mean that I am failing, broken, wrong or a horrible mother …. it could mean something less dramatic…

I’ve decided to make it mean that I am learning to accept myself and the world AS is.  Right now I am fighting it with my YELLING.  But what If I just let it be? 

What if I let ME be me without any ‘shoulds’?   Then may be I can let the world around me just – be.  

Wouldn’t that feel good? 

Are you letting yourself just be?

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